I wasn’t sure what to expect being gone on vacation. I tried not to have high expectations (because we all know where those get us especially once we’ve suffered from recurrent miscarriage), but I think I did have some hopes of what would happen. Hope that I could just let go and enjoy myself. Hopes that I could reconnect with nature a bit and heal a little. Hopes that my husband and I would have some time to just be ‘us’ again. Sadly, I feel let down on all of these.
I’m not sure why I hoped to enjoy anything… I just feel like a zombie. Everything is just happening to me and I’m in a daze watching things go by. So I’m in a lovely tropical foreign country and I just sit there, wishing my life were different. I can’t enjoy things, it’s just happening to me. I feel sick when I think about this- how many people wouldn’t love to go on a vacation like I did. But it’s not what’s important to me, so I have a terribly hard time even enjoying it a little bit. I would give up all vacations for the rest of my life to just be 23 weeks pregnant again. This must be the ‘bargaining’ part of grief, right?
I didn’t need a vacation, I needed a vacation from being me. From having all these crazy thoughts running through my head. From waking each morning and being reminded that I’m no longer going to have a baby in a few months.
So when are things going to start having a more positive light? I’d take a glimmer, a speck, anything…. I have considered starting Zoloft or something like my OB has recommended. I have been on antidepressants in the past and they have never helped (I always struggled with seasonal depression). My experience with being on antidepressants is very similar to how I feel already- dazed, very numb and neither high nor low. Why go on medication to feel about the same as I do already? But I know this isn’t sustainable- I need things to feel just a bit better. I need a little light at the end of this endless tunnel. I hoped vacation would give me that, but it unfortunately didn’t.
On the husband front, whew, that’s another post. He and I are struggling so badly, I had hoped that vacation time away from our daughter would give us the opportunity to talk some more and reconnect a bit. We made it through 5 miscarriages and I thought we were going to be one of those couples that were strengthened by infertility/loss. I guess our past experiences haven’t really helped us as much as I thought after this last loss. Definitely a topic for another post.