Thoughts on “Vacation”

I wasn’t sure what to expect being gone on vacation.  I tried not to have high expectations (because we all know where those get us especially once we’ve suffered from recurrent miscarriage), but I think I did have some hopes of what would happen.  Hope that I could just let go and enjoy myself.  Hopes that I could reconnect with nature a bit and heal a little.  Hopes that my husband and I would have some time to just be ‘us’ again.  Sadly, I feel let down on all of these.

I’m not sure why I hoped to enjoy anything… I just feel like a zombie.  Everything is just happening to me and I’m in a daze watching things go by.  So I’m in a lovely tropical foreign country and I just sit there, wishing my life were different.  I can’t enjoy things, it’s just happening to me.  I feel sick when I think about this-  how many people wouldn’t love to go on a vacation like I did.  But it’s not what’s important to me, so I have a terribly hard time even enjoying it a little bit.  I would give up all vacations for the rest of my life to just be 23 weeks pregnant again.  This must be the ‘bargaining’ part of grief, right?

I didn’t need a vacation, I needed a vacation from being me.  From having all these crazy thoughts running through my head.  From waking each morning and being reminded that I’m no longer going to have a baby in a few months.

So when are things going to start having a more positive light?  I’d take a glimmer, a speck, anything…. I have considered starting Zoloft or something like my OB has recommended.  I have been on antidepressants in the past and they have never helped (I always struggled with seasonal depression).  My experience with being on antidepressants is very similar to how I feel already- dazed, very numb and neither high nor low.  Why go on medication to feel about the same as I do already?  But I know this isn’t sustainable- I need things to feel just a bit better.  I need a little light at the end of this endless tunnel.  I hoped vacation would give me that, but it unfortunately didn’t.

On the husband front, whew, that’s another post.  He and I are struggling so badly, I had hoped that vacation time away from our daughter would give us the opportunity to talk some more and reconnect a bit.  We made it through 5 miscarriages and I thought we were going to be one of those couples that were strengthened by infertility/loss.  I guess our past experiences haven’t really helped us as much as I thought after this last loss.  Definitely a topic for another post.

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts on “Vacation”

  1. Hi, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through right now. I just wanted to say that I can relate so much to what you wrote about being in a beautiful tropical place but still feeling like you want a vacation from yourself. My husband and I recently went to Kauai for our seventh wedding anniversary, and though we planned the trip a year ago with high hopes, it ended up being 6 weeks after my miscarriage. My sister also announced her pregnancy the night before we left. So needless to say, not the best circumstances. It seems like everyone’s advice when you’re going through this is to “take a vacation,” but you can never escape your own heart. In some ways, a vacation makes things harder because you feel like you need to gear yourself up and act happy since you’re spending so much time and money to “get away.” I will keep following your story. I’m here for support if you want to chat.

    • Oh goodness, it makes me feel so much better that someone understands about taking a difficult vacation. Thank you, Annie. I found your blog the other day and I look forward to following along with you as well. /MMB

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