I’m not strong

I hate it when someone tells me how strong I am.  Yes, I’ve made it through 6 miscarriages and I’m still standing (barely, at the moment).  But please don’t tell me this makes me strong.

I didn’t have a choice in any of this, every day I wish this were not my life, that this didn’t happen to me.  I am only doing what any other person would do given the same sh***y circumstances.  I’m not strong, every morning I just want to quit.  In fact, if I didn’t have one daughter who depends on me, I would have quit.

In fact, I think I’m the opposite of strong.  Recurrent Pregnancy Loss has broken me.  I’ve become a person that I don’t like when I look in the mirror.  It’s made me so angry and mean and bitter.  I am not happy for friends when they so easily get pregnant and their bodies don’t betray them.  I want to punch every pregnant woman that I see in the grocery store (or mall, or park-  lets face it they are fricken EVERYWHERE).  I am scared to death of getting pregnant again.  No, take that back.  I’m not scared to get pregnant again- I do that pretty well.  I’m scared to death of losing another baby.  I have anxiety attacks now thinking I’m going to lose my living daughter.   I’m not strong enough to handle this again, so I just won’t try.  I can’t.

So I’m not strong.  I’m a quitter. A baby loser.  A failure.  So many things other than strong.

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8 thoughts on “I’m not strong

  1. I know you don’t feel it, but you are strong. Much, much stronger than you realize. This is not an admonishment to keep it together, just an observation from the sidelines. You are absolutely allowed to fall apart, and stay that way, for however long it takes. The fact that you are still writing, still breathing, means you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. No one should have to endure what you’ve been through. You are not a failure, but a miraculous survivor. Even when it doesn’t feel that way.

    Much love,
    Jo

    • I just wanted to say that I also feel that same anger and rage towards the pregnant women I seem to see EVERYWHERE. I feel guilty for having such terrible thoughts, but it makes me mad that they can all be so happy and oblivious, especially my own sister. I start thinking bitterly that taking life for granted is apparently a prerequisite for having an easy existence. I worry, pray, hope, plan, and get obliterated. Meanwhile, all these selfish and careless people get the huge gift of a healthy and effortless pregnancy handed to them freely. I have not gone through nearly the kind of loss that you have experienced, but it’s still pretty hard for me not to feel bitter these days.

      • This anger/rage and bitterness are the worst. I don’t like the person I’ve become at the moment with those emotions and I don’t know how to ‘fix’ it because I can’t ever ‘fix’ the underlying cause. I know after miscarriages #4 and #5, I don’t even recall feeling as sad- just so very angry. Now after #6 it seems to alternate days between sadness and rage.

        I can’t imagine watching a sister go through reproduction so easily, that has got to be so challenging. I know with close friends it’s very difficult (and seeing pregnant strangers sucks as well), but when it’s family you have the added element of loving a niece or nephew which probably really complicates things emotionally.

  2. I understand how you feel. After suffering 4 losses and hearing “You are so strong…I don’t know how you do it.” I would respond with “I don’t have any other choice.” I appreciated that people thought I was strong…I just didn’t always think the same of myself or really know what to say.

    • I think you’re closer on in your response than I have been. I want to tell people I’m not, because I worry if they think I’m strong that they won’t recognize that I still need them for support. But then I just feel argumentative and don’t really get my point across either. I’m sorry for your losses as well. /MMB

  3. I can relate to how you feel and what you are going through. How you feel deserted by friends, let down by your body, feeling like it’s too hard to go on and hating yourself for it, all of it. As if you had any choice in this. It breaks my heart you are going through this horrible experience. It’s so unfair that we have to endure this crap. I’m also terrified I made the wrong choice to have a D&C at 10 weeks. It’s like we can never win, we can never feel confident in our ability to make decisions. Like we’re being stripped if the very essence of ourselves. I don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror either. Where did that woman go? Please know I’m so sorry, I’m thinking of you and am quietly rooting you on, whatever path you take

  4. I can relate to how you feel and what you are going through. How you feel deserted by friends, let down by your body, feeling like it’s too hard to go on and hating yourself for it, all of it. As if you had any choice in this. I’m so so sorry

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