I don’t know what it’s actually like to be in a country with physical minefields. I feel sad for the children and soldiers and innocent people who have been harmed by them. But I think it’s the best metaphor I know for living my life now- I’m in an emotional minefield. Every day I wake up not knowing what will cause me to explode that day and walk away feeling battered and torn to pieces.
BAM- take a look at Facebook and a friend has a picture of her child in a ‘big brother’ t-shirt. She had told me that they didn’t want any more kids, one was good. This was an ‘oops and he’s due exactly one month after my baby #6 that I just lost. Yep, and I emotionally limp away after moving her out of my news feed for the next 6+ months. That’s not even taking into account the friends I have who I know are trying (or I assume half of them are pregnant by now).
BAM- it hits me that I should be hitting viability next week. Every date has the potential to be hurtful- I have had 7 pregnancies and thus 7 due dates, 6 of which are painful as hell to think about. Then there’s the date that I actually lost my last baby- I count the weeks, every Sunday thinking that it’s been another week since I last had her under my heart.
BAM- I see women with bellies exactly the stage that I would be at. I wasn’t really showing yet, just a little swelling of my belly. But they are walking along holding the hands of a child younger than or the same age as my Sweetie and I’m just blown away that they will have the newborn and 2 year old that I should have had.
And I don’t know what to do to protect myself. I took Sweetie to the zoo today and I prepared myself for seeing pregnant women and newborns. But I was not expecting to go into the dolphin show and hear that three of their female dolphins are expecting in the next three months! WTF? BAM- all these freaking dolphins can get and stay pregnant and are delivering in the timeline I would be. Argh, I shouldn’t start tearing up in the stupid dolphin show. Good thing Sweetie wasn’t interested because they started talking pregnant dolphins and we bolted before I was all out crying.
I’m ready for someplace safe. I need more places that are safe. I’m so battered and bruised already that I can’t take many more explosions.