Navigating the minefield

I don’t know what it’s actually like to be in a country with physical minefields.  I feel sad for the children and soldiers and innocent people who have been harmed by them.  But I think it’s the best metaphor I know for living my life now- I’m in an emotional minefield.  Every day I wake up not knowing what will cause me to explode that day and walk away feeling battered and torn to pieces.

BAM- take a look at Facebook and a friend has a picture of her child in a ‘big brother’ t-shirt.  She had told me that they didn’t want any more kids, one was good.  This was an ‘oops and he’s due exactly one month after my baby #6 that I just lost.  Yep, and I emotionally limp away after moving her out of my news feed for the next 6+ months.  That’s not even taking into account the friends I have who I know are trying (or I assume half of them are pregnant by now).

BAM- it hits me that I should be hitting viability next week.  Every date has the potential to be hurtful-  I have had 7 pregnancies and thus 7 due dates, 6 of which are painful as hell to think about.  Then there’s the date that I actually lost my last baby- I count the weeks, every Sunday thinking that it’s been another week since I last had her under my heart.

BAM- I see women with bellies exactly the stage that I would be at.  I wasn’t really showing yet, just a little swelling of my belly.  But they are walking along holding the hands of a child younger than or the same age as my Sweetie and I’m just blown away that they will have the newborn and 2 year old that I should have had.

And I don’t know what to do to protect myself.  I took Sweetie to the zoo today and I prepared myself for seeing pregnant women and newborns.  But I was not expecting to go into the dolphin show and hear that three of their female dolphins are expecting in the next three months!   WTF?  BAM- all these freaking dolphins can get and stay pregnant and are delivering in the timeline I would be.  Argh, I shouldn’t start tearing up in the stupid dolphin show.  Good thing Sweetie wasn’t interested because they started talking pregnant dolphins and we bolted before I was all out crying.

I’m ready for someplace safe.  I need more places that are safe.  I’m so battered and bruised already that I can’t take many more explosions.

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3 thoughts on “Navigating the minefield

  1. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I actually decided to temporarily close my Facebook account because I couldn’t keep up with the pregnancy announcements fast enough. As soon as I would block one person from my feed, a new announcement would pop up. Or the husband or mother-in-law, etc, of the person I blocked months ago would show up with an ultrasound update. It just got to be too much. Those unexpected announcements were like “emotional land mines,” exactly as you described. For me, it has been a big help not to have the Facebook stress on top of everything else. My heart aches for you about the due dates and other painful dates passing. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I don’t. There really isn’t anything anyone can do or say to make it right. Please know I am thinking of you though.

    • Thank you so much, Annie, I do appreciate the thoughts! I am trying to get off of Facebook right now, but there are some miscarriage groups that I really hate to leave because there are days that those are the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s just so tough because even when you prepare for things and events, then something else comes along and throws you for that loop.

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