My turn to be Pro-Choice

It’s official, I’m done with Facebook.  The final straw?  An old college friend posted a big Pro-Life rant on a Planned Parenthood site and it randomly showed up in my news feed (thank you Facebook, really wanted to see that today). She is vehemently opposed to abortion in any circumstance (and of course, she’s pregnant right now) and she’s saying incredibly rude things to other people who feel differently about the topic.


My thoughts?

I’m labeled a ‘habitual aborter‘ on every medical chart.

I used to participate in Pro-Life rallies when I was at my Christian college.  I wasn’t ever sure in those days that this was truly how I felt, but it was the ‘Christian’ thing to do.  I was supposed to be Pro-Life, so I didn’t want to go against the flow or ostracize myself in my Christian community.  I made signs that had horrible messages such as ‘Abortion stops a beating heart’  or ‘Abortion is murder’ and had proofread pamphlets to print with horrible images.  I thankfully never personally went to picket a clinic, as I am certain I would look back and really regret that.

Then after college, I got out into the world and made some non-Christian friends, some feminist friends, and people who are just generally more open to other ideas.  I started to question things for myself and it hit me that I sincerely believed that women should be able to choose what happens in their body and if they do not want to continue a pregnancy, they shouldn’t have to.

I personally would not ever be able to have an abortion, I felt that way before I started TTC and I obviously still feel that way.   I hoped that other women wouldn’t use abortions as birth control, nor did I like them being done late in pregnancies, but I supported their right to choose.  I also think women should also be educated about what’s happening and they should never feel forced into making that decision.

When I had my first miscarriage I was shocked to see ‘spontaneous abortion’ as the reason for my D&C.  I was appalled-  I felt like I was being labeled as someone who was voluntarily terminating this pregnancy that was very, very much wanted.   This was not voluntary.  I did not choose this for myself.  I was talking to another infertile mom who had a miscarriage and she told me that it had changed her from Pro-Choice to Pro-Life.  Now that she realized how tough it could be to come out the other end with a healthy baby, she wanted all those women to carry the baby and put it up for adoption.

I’m still Pro-Choice despite having lost 6 babies.  It drives me crazy when I see some of the extremely Christian Pro-Life arguments about God creating life and abortion stopping a beating heart.  I want to tell them that if they believe in God, then they should acknowledge that he stopped my last baby’s beating heart, not abortion.  How can they simultaneously acknowledge that God creates life if he doesn’t also cause the death of babies with miscarriage?  Why is he ‘good’ and ‘blameless’ when he chooses to stop a baby’s heartbeat but the poor women who choose to do so become ‘murderers’?

So maybe I’m more Pro-Choice than ever.  I’d like to choose that my (future) babies can live.


6 thoughts on “My turn to be Pro-Choice

  1. I posted a pro-choice meme on FB, only to have an uber-religious friend call me out on my infertility and losses, saying that I of all people should oppose abortion. And I told her that I do oppose it — for me. But I absolutely do not think that any other woman’s life choices should be dictated by what *I* personally want. Being pregnant is hard, and not always in the best interest of the woman or the child to be. Much like I don’t believe that anyone else should decide what I get to put into my uterus, I also don’t believe that I should get to decide what someone else does with the contents of hers.

    • If anything, I empathize more with the woman who is trying to decide what to do with an unwanted pregnancy. I’m slightly jealous of one portion of her situation (having a healthy pregnancy), but I can easily see that it’s often a tough decision where she doesn’t feel she has great options whichever way she goes. I think every infertile woman has felt that way- no matter what path you take, you are giving something up or making a decision which may have negative repercussions (financially, emotionally, physically). /MMB

      • I’ve been through both!

        In my early 20s I was overseas, single, promiscuous and found out I was pregnant. It was an incredibly hard decision to make to terminate. It took me 6 weeks to finally make the decision and the operation was at just short if 12 weeks. Little did I know how my life would change.

        Here I am 13 years later and I can’t get a pregnancy past 8 weeks. I’ve had 3 early miscarriages in the past 10 months! The worst part is how this has resurrected the guilt I felt at that termination. What if that was my one chance to have the family I have always wanted?

        Sorry to high jack your blog with a post that should really be on my own blog, but I’m not ready to put it there yet.

      • Thank you for sharing- that has to be so difficult for you to go through. I know we all find crazy ways to put guilt on ourselves even when there is no cause for it. I’ll look forward to reading your thoughts when you are ready to put it out there. /MMB

  2. I completely understand your frustration on this topic. I come from a very conservative family and have lots of fundamentalist Christian relatives (“fundies,” as I call them) who are very vocal about their pro-life views. I actually think even the terms of the debate are unfair–“pro-life” makes it sound like people who support reproductive choices for women are against life. That couldn’t be more wrong. I think calling the two sides “pro-choice” and “anti-choice” would more accurately portray the issue at hand. I think it’s a really complicated topic and I understand there are lots of case-by-case variables, but I do think that the option to have a safe and professional pregnancy termination absolutely should be available for women who are in the very difficult position of needing it. For myself, having a child is my deepest longing and so I will obviously do anything possible to achieve and protect any pregnancy I am fortunate enough to have. But the world is a big and complicated place, and it’s foolish to think that my circumstances of desperately wanting and being ready and able to care for a child apply to women everywhere. Something I’ve noticed about pro-lifers (or should I say anti-choicers) across the board is that they tend to lack compassion. They theoretically care about unborn life, but really they are hateful, judgmental, and cruel. Meanwhile, the pro-choice advocates I have known tend to be the types of people who volunteer at women’s shelters, and who can sympathize and empathize with people in difficult positions.

    I’m really sorry that yet another Facebook post upset you 😦 I think deciding to take a break from it was a good idea. I know it was for me.

    • Definitely, Annie, the last few Facebook-free days have been a relief. I did have to give myself a pep-talk before I could erase the app off my phone, though! I had hoped I could just lurk and be ok with it, but I think a real (temporary) break is best for me right now.

      And I think you are right on about pro-choice vs. anti-choice. But just in labeling themselves ‘Pro-life’ instead of ‘anti-choice’, they knew that it was a good move to garner support and confuse the issue. It’s hard for anyone to say that they don’t value ‘life’ as a concept. /MMB

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