Friday nights

What do you do on a Friday night when you’re no longer pregnant and you have no friends left to hang out with when your kiddo goes to bed?

Mine will involve wine.  Probably lots of it.  Enough to forget that it has now been 9 weeks since I heard my baby’s heart beating beneath mine for the last time.

Red wine and Pirate’s Booty.  What is it with me and Pirate’s Booty? I swear it’s dusted with something drug-like and addictive.  I’m buying it by the case off of Amazon.  And the aged cheddar variety goes quite well with wine, I’m sure any great sommelier would agree.

Tomorrow we have a birthday party for one of Sweetie’s friends.  I’m thankful that’s the only time I have to go out in public all weekend.  And then on Monday Sweetie and I head off on a little adventure (because I couldn’t stand to sit home while my husband traveled out of the country for weeks on end).  Not sure how often I’ll be posting as I’m not taking my computer.

PS: Provera still not working… Sigh.

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6 thoughts on “Friday nights

  1. I was trying to comment on your last post, but perhaps you closed them? Anyway, you know my story and I will be 100% honest with you – my lack of faith does stem, initially, from the intense heartbreak and frustration of losing our first three pregnancies. Many of the questions you bring up are the same ones I grappled with. That doesn’t mean I became an atheist because I am angry at Gid, just that that anger caused me to take a closer look at what I believed and why. I found the evidence for any sort of interventionist deity to be sorely lacking, to say the least. Your journey may take you somewhere else — and that’s okay. But you raise questions that few people really ever consider, and I applaud you for taking an honest evaluation of your beliefs, no matter what conclusions you come to.

    Much love,
    Jo

    • Hmmm, there was no intentional blocking of comments, maybe my post was too long? I’ll have to look into it!

      You are right, though, as I don’t want any ultimate decision to be a knee-jerk reaction to just being angry at God. I am all for taking my time right now and trying to separate some of my grief/emotions/etc related to losses and make sure I’m really evaluating my beliefs. Thanks, Jo! /MMB

  2. Hey lady, my Friday night involved lots of wine too. I also wanted to say that I completely relate to your struggle with faith and doubting God. I have been there many times. When my sister announced her pregnancy after my loss, I was in so much pain that I had a complete breakdown. I told my husband I didn’t believe in God, that I didn’t love anyone or anything, that I didn’t want to be married to him, that I wanted to move away and never see any of our family again. I was just lashing out at everything. I didn’t really mean any of those things, especially about leaving my husband who is the best thing that ever happened to me. Thankfully, he was patient and knew I was just hurting. But I was serious about not believing in God. For some reason though, I’ve found that I can’t let go of my faith in spite of everything. Maybe it’s because that’s how I was raised, maybe it’s because it’s so much a part of who I am, but I always come back to it. I think, like Jo said above, that it’s a good thing to ask the tough questions no matter what answers you end up finding. Thinking of you.

  3. Hello from iclw! I love pirate booty too! It’s like… Cheetos without the fakey flavor. I hope your night was rejuvenating and you’re feeling okay. I’m sorry for your loss..

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