Decisions that sometimes seem agonizing in the moment become even more so when they are taken away.
I had been torturing myself trying to figure out if we should try a FET, when we should try a FET, if we should transfer one or two, etc.
Well, that decision was taken away from me this morning.
I had a hysteroscopy to look at my uterus and I have developed significant adhesions/scar tissue (Asherman’s Syndrome). My RE said he could attempt to operate and ‘fix my uterus up a bit’, but that given my history it would be against his better judgment and he’s ‘happy for me’ that we are attempting surrogacy.
Just like that, I’m done. I’ll never get pregnant again. I’ll never even have the potential to carry a baby to term. I won’t get the chance to beat this RPL. And worse yet, it’s 100% the cause of MY bad decision I made in the hours after I found out my sweet Abby was dead. I didn’t think I could bear to be induced, so I chose the D&C that did this to me. The OB said she was using ultrasound and would be extremely cautious given my history. Guess that didn’t help.
At least when my miscarriages happened, I never felt like they were (really) my fault. I knew I had done everything I knew how at the time to be taking care of my baby. And now I’m hit in the gut with this diagnosis and it’s 100% my fault. I don’t even know what more to say. I guess that’s what happens when you ask ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’. It just gets worse.