No more decisions to make

Decisions that sometimes seem agonizing in the moment become even more so when they are taken away.

I had been torturing myself trying to figure out if we should try a FET, when we should try a FET, if we should transfer one or two, etc.

Well, that decision was taken away from me this morning.

I had a hysteroscopy to look at my uterus and I have developed significant adhesions/scar tissue (Asherman’s Syndrome).   My RE said he could attempt to operate and ‘fix my uterus up a bit’, but that given my history it would be against his better judgment and he’s ‘happy for me’ that we are attempting surrogacy.

Just like that, I’m done.  I’ll never get pregnant again.  I’ll never even have the potential to carry a baby to term.  I won’t get the chance to beat this RPL.  And worse yet, it’s 100% the cause of MY bad decision I made in the hours after I found out my sweet Abby was dead.  I didn’t think I could bear to be induced, so I chose the D&C that did this to me.  The OB said she was using ultrasound and would be extremely cautious given my history.  Guess that didn’t help.

At least when my miscarriages happened, I never felt like they were (really) my fault.  I knew I had done everything I knew how at the time to be taking care of my baby.  And now I’m hit in the gut with this diagnosis and it’s 100% my fault.  I don’t even know what more to say.  I guess that’s what happens when you ask ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’.   It just gets worse.

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10 thoughts on “No more decisions to make

  1. Oh, sweetie. How absolutely gut-wrenching. Please, please, don’t blame yourself. You made the best decision you could at the time. I made the exact same one after my second loss, and $20,000 and a chemical pregnancy later, my current RE also discovered scar tissue from my D&C. (I did opt for the surgery to fix it, but I know that’s not always an option).

    No matter how much we try to intellectually prepare ourselves, I don’t think any of us are ever really ready to hear that biological children are no longer an option. Please be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to grieve this loss. You will, as always, be in my thoughts. I wish I could do more, but a cyber-hug and a virtual hand-squeeze is all I’ve got. I’m so, so sorry.

  2. Oh MMB, my heart just broke reading this. I wish there was something I could do to help. Please, please don’t blame yourself for this. You were faced with a horrible situation when you lost your sweet baby girl, and you made the best choice for yourself at that time. None of this is your fault, not one bit of it. This may sound like awful advice, but would it be worth having another specialist look at the scarring to evaluate whether or not surgery would be helpful? I just hate for you to have to rule out that option if corrective surgery could possibly be beneficial. But then again, I completely understand if you just don’t want to go down that route of having to see yet another specialist and all the pain and headache that it entails. I just want to do something helpful for you but I know nothing anyone can say will take this hurt away right now. I am thinking of you and wishing you hope and healing, friend.

  3. Wow, I’m so so sorry :(. I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling. As much as I might want to move on and be done with the horror of RPL, I haven’t yet been able to accept the thought that I will definitely not ever give birth to a child. It’s just so unfair that things turned out this way for you :(.

  4. When I had my second trimester loss I was in such shock I wasn’t even processing decision making….I am sorry you got this news today…hang in there…

  5. I am so, so sorry. None of this is your fault. Many, many women choose D&C and only a very small percent have complications like you did. It’s more likely the adhesions are due to endometriosis. Please be kind to yourself.

  6. Here from LFCA.

    First off, I am so sorry for this terrible news. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and I wish there was a way to spare you from this. To say it’s unfair is the understatement of the year.

    I also want to echo what Jo said that in no way is this your fault. After all, how could you have known? You made the best decisions you could possibly have made at the time and the fact this was the outcome has nothing to do with you. I know given this news you’re looking for an explanation and that it’s very easy to put the blame squarely on yourself, but I’m certain that if this was in anyway in your power you would have gone to hell and back to prevent it.

    Sending love and light.

  7. Not your fault. You couldn’t have known. You didn’t ask your dr to give you scar tissue, or ask your daughter to die. So very much not your fault. Hugs to you… And I’m sorry for your many losses.

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