Can I just quit?

So I’m still just reeling from my news and it’s almost been 2 weeks now.

I’m still trying to figure out how when the worst possible thing you can imagine happens and then you find out later it just gets worse.

I’ve tried to pick myself up and keep moving.

I’ve spent many hours pounding my punching bag.

I’ve consumed more alcohol than I thought I would ever consume.

I’ve spent hours reading medical journals and literature about Asherman’s and surgery and how with my history of RPL, it’s just not worth wasting embryos on my uterus ever again even IF I found an expert to attempt to remove the scar tissue.

I’ve had moments where I felt relieved that I will never be pregnant again.  I’m strangely comforted by knowing my body/uterus will never be responsible for killing another baby.

I’ve put the only energy I have left into furthering our surrogacy plans.  Because that’s all I have now.

I’ve found myself resenting the fact that I have the most wonderful living daughter because if I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t have to keep going.  And then I hate myself because that makes me a pretty shitty mother to even wish for a second that I didn’t have the responsibility of my daughter when she’s all I have and the only baby I’ll ever have carried.  I just want to quit.

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7 thoughts on “Can I just quit?

  1. I’m so sorry, you must be hurting so much right now. If it’s possible, try not to be too hard on yourself. I can’t imagine anyone could possibly handle what you’ve gone through well, you aren’t a shitty mother by any means.

  2. I’m so sorry to read this, I can feel your pain through your words. It breaks my heart you are going through this horrible experience. It’s so unfair. I’m also terrified I made the wrong choice to have a D&C at 10 weeks. It’s like we can never win, we can never feel confident in our ability to make decisions. Like we’re being stripped if the very essence of ourselves. I don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror either. You did what you could at the time, it’s all you can expect of yourself. Try to be good to yourself when you can. Please know I’m so sorry, I’m thinking of you and am quietly rooting you on, whatever path you take.

  3. Grrr I cannot believe what comes out of people’s mouths sometimes. There’s such a complete lack of understanding or empathy when it comes to miscarriage and RPL. I feel exactly like you, it’s a horrible feeling. As if you want to feel this way, as if you have a choice in your situation. It’s so unfair.

  4. I hate that you feel this way, though I totally understand it. Well, as much as I can understand it without being in your shoes. I wish I could do more, but know that I am thinking of you and missing your posts. If it would help, keep writing. Sending love and hugs your way.

  5. I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing. I just hate that you’re having to go through this. Keep writing and keep venting–the punching bag is a great idea, and sometimes too much wine is just what you need. You are a great mom and a wonderful person. Life has handed you some truly shitty things to deal with, and you are coping the best you can. Hang in there, hun.

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