Alone

I talked to an old friend yesterday.  One of those friends who you keep in touch with only once a year or so but its very easy to just have that infrequent conversation.

She has had a very rough life situation the past year- her husband racked up tons of credit card debt, stopped paying their bills/mortgage and they lost their house (they have 3 children).  She has been through the wringer with this and it’s still a big mess to continue to ‘fix’ as best she can with lawyers and such.

She said she wanted to talk to me because I wasn’t as close to the situation and didn’t live in the same town.  She feels she has effectively lost 90% of her friends she would have defined as close because of this awkward horrible situation her husband put her in.  These friends were the ones she did coffee with every week and the ones who called themselves auntie for her children, etc.  She imagined that they just didn’t know what to say to her so they have just cut her off.

Sound familiar?  I haven’t shared my history with this friend beyond her hearing about my 16w loss of Abby.  She doesn’t know about any of the other babies, nor does she know there won’t be any more that I carry in the future (I just wanted to let her talk, it wasn’t the time or place for me to share).  But the similarities of how we both feel following a significant loss/situation just blew me away.

I really think my friendship is over with a good handful of friends.  I don’t know how much more understanding I am supposed to be over the fact that they couldn’t bother to contact me or talk to me after my latest miscarriage.  It’s odd, because these were the friends who actually knew I was pregnant (the ones who call me now are the ones who didn’t know).  They had been so ‘happy’ for me when I told them at 12 weeks that I was pregnant.  And now I haven’t heard from all but one of them (in my supposed close group).  I put myself out there and invited them to my Sweetie’s upcoming 2nd birthday party.  I didn’t hear from a single one, not a single ‘hey, got the invite, sorry we can’t make it.  BTW, how are you guys doing?’  I don’t think it’s possible to feel more deserted or alone by the people you called your friends.  I guess I just picked the wrong people or mistakenly counted on the wrong people to be there in hard times.

And now, even if they did come back in awhile, I wouldn’t trust ever again that they could be there.  Maybe we could repair a surface relationship, but I won’t ever let myself open up to them again.  You shouldn’t need walls up to protect yourself from ‘friends’ abandonment.  It’s just awful to feel this alone.

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6 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I’m so sorry, it’s really awful that people who should know better can’t come through for you. I just wrote a similar post today. I know it must be hard for them to know what to say, but it just makes me so angry that people can’t at least try to be there for you. The friend you mentioned sounds like a good person to open up to (eventually, when the time is right). There’s nothing like going through something hard to make you compassionate about other people’s troubles.

  2. I can totally relate. I have effectively been dumped by or broken up with every friend except two for that very reason. No checking in to see how I’m doing during this tough time. No supportive texts. Just complaints to other friends that I’ve appeared to gone off the deep end. It has really made me see who the good friends really are. And it can never be repaired completely with the others. My wall is up now. How could we trust them again? It’s the most lonely feeling in the world. How to make a horrible situation that much worse.

  3. I think it was so thoughtful and considerate of you to just let your friend talk and express all her hurt about what she’s been through. It sounds like she is the kind of friend who will be there for you too if you need to call and vent to her. Even though you’ve gone through very different experiences, it does sound like the social situation has been similarly hurtful for both of you.

    I’m so sorry that those other “friends” didn’t even RSVP to your invitation. If we were friends “in real life” I would be more than happy to come celebrate your Sweetie’s birthday with you 🙂 Going through hard things really does show you who will be there for you when it counts. I’ve lost some friendships due to this journey, but I’ve rekindled other ones and even made new friends too. The friend you talked with on the phone sounds like someone who could offer helpful support. Maybe sometime when the time is right the two of you could chat again and you could open up a little more to her about what’s been going on in your life.

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