It makes me sick

My husband, Sweetie and I went out for brunch and some shopping today. I guess Sunday morning jaunts like this are another advantage of not having Sunday morning church.

I didn’t love my brunch entree, but it was nice to not have to cook for Sweetie (who has become increasingly picky, picky, picky about the food I put in front of her!).  I also didn’t love that this whole outing turned out to be a minefield day for me.

Pregnant moms with 3-4 kids in the restaurant, pregnant cashier, mom with 2(ish) month old twins. Everywhere I looked they were jumping out at me and my stomach just rolls.  I feel like I can’t look anywhere so I just focus on the floor and realize that I don’t even look people in the eye anymore.

Then there’s walking in the department store.

Past the maternity section… My stomach sinks and tightens more.  Not that I fit those anyway when I was pregnant.  But I’m still picturing what my 30 week bump should look like right now.  I tell myself to stop it and try to walk faster and will my husband to keep up.

Past the newborn clothing that I should be needing next month… The lump in my throat grows and I try to swallow it down but fail.  I try to convince myself that I was having another girl and I wouldn’t have ‘needed’ to buy any of those precious, teeny-tiny outfits since I already have them from Sweetie.  It doesn’t work well.  Walk faster.

Finally on into the toddler section to buy some fall outfits for Sweetie. I’m pawing through the shelves looking at some mix and match shirts and leggings. My husband lets Sweetie out of the stroller (why in the heck, I don’t know!) and she runs up and pulls two shirts off the bottom shelf and says ‘want this-a one’ and ‘kitty’. I see that the one shirt did have a cat on it and then I look at the other shirt and lose it.

Tears and a giant sob.

It said ‘World’s Best Big Sister’.

And then the contents of my stomach jump out and I throw up right there on the floor.

I bolted. Tears streaming down my face and wiping my mouth as I ran to the car. I left my poor husband with a half full cart of clothes and a mess to report to the sales clerk.

I never throw up. I have a cast iron stomach. Seven pregnancies and I never once threw up no matter how much nausea I had.

Yet today I lost my brunch today when it smacked me in the face how much this cruel world has taken from us. What was taken from my Sweetie, who should be a big sister in less than 2 months.  She could have been a big sister three times over by now, but nope.

It literally makes me sick.

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7 thoughts on “It makes me sick

  1. oh, I am so so so sorry. That’s one (just one) sucky part about rpl after having one child. You have dreams of your living child having siblings, becoming the big sister. And it hurts so much when you have so many losses. My heart goes out to you. What a horrible day.

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