Thoughts at the end of a bad week

I’ll just preface this with saying that it’s been a bad week.

Today I would have been almost 32 weeks pregnant.  But 16 weeks ago my Abby died.  She’s been gone from me longer than she was with me now.  I don’t know how I walk around with this empty hole in my chest.

So then after trying to come to grips with her loss and planning to move forward, today was supposed to be the day that I was going to get knocked up again via FET.  But, since I made a horrible decision on the day my Abby left me, I now have a lead weight in my abdomen right below the gaping hole in my chest.

I just cannot wrap my brain around my life, the things that have happened to me that I had no control over and the bad decisions I made that I did have control over.  I thought I could move forward but I just can’t right now.

I wish I had just stopped TTC after Sweetie.  I would have had three miscarriages and then one beautiful baby.  I wish I would have stopped then.  I would have been a far happier person (not happy, because I would have always felt like I wanted more babies) but I wouldn’t have destroyed everything else in my life by pushing through two more 1st trimester miscarriages and then the 2nd trimester loss.  I would have been a far better mother if I had just stopped after having Sweetie.  I would have been a far better wife if I had just stopped.  I wouldn’t have hated my body so much- I would have carried her to term and breast fed her for over a year and stopped while I still felt like my body could still do something ‘right’.  I would have been sad that I only had my one child, but I wouldn’t have wished for my own death every single day like I do now.  I wouldn’t have lost so many friends because I’m just a shitty, awkward person to be around because everyone just doesn’t know what to say and they feel sorry for me (and in the same breath they are really, REALLY happy that they don’t have to go through the shit I have).

I found out this week that two ‘friends’ are pregnant- not just new pregnancies or hitting the 2nd trimester.  Like 17 and 18 weeks pregnant.  Where I was when my little girl died.  And as if that isn’t enough- one of them found out she was pregnant the very week my little girl died.  She got a great Mother’s Day present and I had every future Mother’s Day ruined for me for the rest of my life.  She got to celebrate life and I once again just get stuck with death.  And grieving.  And grieving.

My psychiatrist says that my depression/anxiety meds are working ‘well’-  Um, ok, glad I’m paying you out the wazoo for this appointment when I don’t agree with you.  She doesn’t want to ‘overmedicate’ me so I don’t properly grieve.  What the hell?  Please, just overmedicate me.  I need something.  Anything.





6 thoughts on “Thoughts at the end of a bad week

  1. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you. What you have been through is horrific, and no one blames you for feeling bad. Please take care of yourself. I don’t for the life of me have any comforting words, and “I’m sorry” just seems so damn inadequate. My heart hurts for you. Life is so hard sometimes. Giant hugs.

  2. I’m so sorry about the pain and heartache you are having to suffer. I have spent much of today mulling over the past and thinking about regrets, so I understand what a bad place those thoughts can take you to emotionally. I know it’s always easy for someone else to say this, but try not to be so hard on yourself. We all would have done things differently if we had known about negative outcomes in advance. You can’t blame yourself for trying for more babies. If you had decided not to ttc after your Sweetie, you may have looked back on that decision with deep regret one day too. Sometimes it seems we just can’t win in this life. I also understand the anger and resentment toward those who are getting to celebrate blissfully while others suffer. As I’ve shared on my blog this week, I’ve recently been struggling with lots of bitterness toward my sister after she announced the gender of her baby and the name they’re planning to use. That bitterness just eats me alive some days. I am truly hoping that there are happier days ahead for you, friend. You so deserve it.

  3. I’ve just finished reading your whole blog and I am so grateful to you for sharing your story and laying your heart open. I am just coming out of my third loss and have been needing to find a way to process my feelings.

    I am so sorry for all the horrible news and awful feelings that you are having to deal with. I feel your pain and like everyone else here want to reach through the internet and give you the biggest, longest hug ever. It’s in my nature to want to nurture and make everyone feel better, and part of that is hiding how I feel to protect others. What I’ve realised is that that just makes me feel worse. Reading and sharing through this community of blogs has really helped me to release a lot of my fears.

    I wish you the strength to get through each day, each bit of news, each insensitive comment that you are exposed to. I wish you moments of pure joy with your Sweetie. I wish you glimmers of hope, love and light that will show you that there are things to live for. I wish you a growing lightness in your heart.

    I hope to read about the positives that will come into your life soon. I will be following your blog with interest.

    Thank you again for sharing!


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