Little steps and no gut instinct

So we finally talked to our first surrogate candidate.  She was very nice.  But…  I don’t know.  I have never interviewed surrogates before and it feels very odd to choose this person who is going to fill this massive role in your life based on a 2 hour phone call.  But I am getting absolutely no gut instinct on this.  I think my gut instinct is feeling so damaged after all the recent shi**y decision making that I am just out of touch with myself.  And the bad part is that I want SO BADLY to be moving forward that I think I would pretty much let the Devil carry my baby if we could transfer soon.

For those of you who don’t know the process of matching with a surrogate, here’s a brief summary:  We are using a (crappy, I hate them now) Agency to match us with potential surrogates.  We have filled out an Intended Parents (IP) profile and the surrogates all fill out their own version.  The profile feels very much like internet dating as does the initial phone call.  The Agency notified us they thought they had a potential candidate and we reviewed her profile.  We said we thought initially that things would work so then we get together on a three-way phone call with our carrier, my husband and I and the Agency rep.  Kinda awkward.  Then you try to make small talk until you can get around to asking more details which are far more personal than anything else you have ever asked a stranger over the phone!  At the same time, you really, really want this person to like you back, so you feel the need to be cautious and likable.

We don’t have a ton of criteria when it comes to a surrogate-  I have heard of IPs demanding their surrogate eat all organic or vegan or not have a single gram of caffeine for 10 months.  We are not in that camp.  We want someone healthy and trustworthy.

So do I think this person will be that?  Yes.  But I am still feeling no peace of mind in saying yes, she should carry our baby.  And the only horrible thing about saying ‘no’ to her at the moment is just the amount of time we will have to wait until another candidate is identified.  It’s taken us this long to see one profile, when supposedly our agency had dozens available (insert eye roll at Agency’s blatant lies), do we really want to turn her down and wait another 3-4 months?  So you really feel like if you don’t say ‘yes’, you are screwed.  But if my gut doesn’t say ‘yes’ about her, aren’t we screwed that way too?  What do you do when you don’t trust your gut anymore?  Or when you have suppressed it so much that you can’t even feel it?

 

So on other lovely life and uterus news, I am going to pretty much have to have surgery.  I am yet again without a period since that disastrous hysteroscopy.  Lots of cramping, lots of pain.  Too many different hormones to try to kick-start a period again.  Thank you all for your thoughts on my drastic action against my uterus- I need to look for another OB who could potentially operate.  I am actually at that lovely time of the year where I’ve paid out so much in medical bills (once again, I’m floored that it’s far more expensive to have a dead baby at 16w than to have a live baby at 39w at my hospital) that it would make far more sense to try to have a free surgery before next year resets our out of pocket maximums.  We’ll see what I can accomplish.  If nothing else, I need them to remove the scar tissue so I can get a cycle and stop this endless cramping.

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Little steps and no gut instinct

  1. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to choose a surrogate, and the tremendous pressures you must be feeling. I wish I had some magic advice for you, but mostly, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. And sending you hugs…

  2. This is really a hard decision, and I know what you mean about not really being able to trust your gut feelings anymore. I have just been so wrong about so many important things this year that I honestly have had to give up on trying to sort out my good/bad feelings about things like REs, surgery, follow-ups, medications, etc.

    Since you didn’t really have a strong positive feeling about the surrogacy candidate, was there anything that made you feel like she would not be a good choice? I only ask this because if there was something that absolutely made you feel uncomfortable, then ruling her out would make complete sense. But if it was just sort of a neutral feeling, would it be possible for you to have some more communication with her to get a better feel for things? I know your agency has been awful (ugh, SO frustrating!), but maybe they would let you have a private conversation with the potential surrogate, or even some email exchanges. I have never been in a situation like this, but I have had experiences where I thought I didn’t connect with someone only to become close with them later. Maybe if you had some more opportunities to get to know this person you could get a better feel for whether or not she would be a good fit.

    I’m so sorry you’re still having the discomfort and cramping. I hope you can find a doctor who is more understanding of your situation and willing to work with you.

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