So I haven’t posted about faith or religion since an earlier post a few months ago. Basically, I’m at a place in my life where I really don’t believe that there’s a god out there. I’d link to that post, but I’m completely blog-illiterate, so sorry about that :), it’s out there, I promise.
I had a massively frustrating exchange with someone from our old church that I just had to write about. My husband and I did join a church back when I was pregnant with Sweetie. He believes that our child(ren) (if they are ever plural) should have the opportunity to choose to go to church if they want to (he didn’t grow up with religion at all), so we were exploring that. We were very active and great attenders in the church for almost 2 years- every week through my pregnancy and then thereafter with Sweetie. Sweetie was baptized as an infant in this church. We attended all the youth group fundraisers, tithed and pledged money for building fundraisers, and we went to Mommy and me playdates in the church nursery. Then I had miscarriage #4 (after having Sweetie) and we just stopped doing anything.
Slowly, it began to hit me that not one freaking person from the church ever reached out or asked us why we weren’t there. No calls, emails, nothing. Sweetie and I were enrolled in a toddler midweek music class and we stopped going- the teacher never once contacted us. Yep, that’s the ‘Christian’ response, I guess.
I did continue to get little mailings of monthly newsletters for Sweetie telling me all about her important Christian milestones we should be meeting- (think little prayers to do with your 18 month old, little Christian stories to act out during bathtime with your 19 month old, etc). After losing my Abby, I contacted the youth pastor who sends those out and told her they needed to stop because every month they are just painful. I don’t need monthly reminders that my one and only living baby is growing up and I don’t know that I’ll ever get a chance to do this again. She sent me a page full of Bible verses talking about how loving God is and how he’s so sad for us, too. Oh and some more shit about ‘God’s plan’ and it’s ‘ok to be angry with God’. Lovely, but I just didn’t respond. Not worth it.
I finally got an email from someone in the mom’s group at church this past weekend. I haven’t seen this mom in over a year and a half. She asks me how ‘my baby’ is doing and said we should come to a particular fall church event. Um, yes, Sweetie was probably 5 months and a baby when she saw her last, but that question just kills me after my latest losses. Sweetie is full-blown toddler going on teenager, just not a baby anymore.
I thanked her for the invite and just said I was busy so wouldn’t be attending. Then she pushes and says that my husband should bring Sweetie as ‘Christian fellowship is so important for toddlers’. I then replied thanks again, but we aren’t doing anything with the church anymore. I left it at that and was very polite. Then she asks why not. Finally, I replied back that I’ve had 6 miscarriages and lost my fertility after the last loss and I really don’t want to be involved with church or God right now. Then I get back the lovely Christian spew email telling me about Job and his trials and how he didn’t lose faith or curse God. And that I should take comfort that God is holding my babies in heaven. Oh, and God send his only son to earth to die, so he knows the grief of losing a beloved child better than anyone. Wait- it gets better: With God nothing is impossible and he works miracles every day.
So now I want to seriously go off on this lady. I know I’m kind of bipolor- I am pissed that no one from the Church ever bothered to care or ask about us, but then when they do, it also pisses me off. So there’s no winning with me, I’ll acknowledge that.
But seriously, I don’t know where these people get off. Does it really help most other people (ie, not me) to read random Bible verses and to hear that because God killed off all of Job’s family and he remained faithful, that I should remain faithful to? Maybe I’m just in the very small minority, but I don’t see how shaming someone for how they are grieving by comparing them to a Biblical character is helpful.
I should have just ignored the last email.
I just told her that I wasn’t Job. And I do curse God, on the rare days where I still believe he exists (and they are getting rarer). And that I wish if he were God that he would just strike me down with lightening for cursing him, rather than making me live through the continual hell of him killing my babies. And I think I said something about Mary not having 6 miscarriages with her ‘immaculate conception’, so obviously when it’s important to God, he doesn’t cause a miscarriage or kill a healthy baby. Oh, and he supposedly raised his Son in 3 days from the dead, so when God wants to bring back my babies to life, maybe I’ll believe in his miracles.
Yes, it felt good to write that. And I was really, really nice the first two emails, so I really don’t fly off the handle immediately. I should have learned after the first time that just not responding is the better response to the spew.