Just sitting here…

And thinking of what I should say.

I just looked through my blogroll and realized that at least half are pregnant or just announced a pregnancy.  I’m again in the left behind club and feeling like I don’t fit anywhere.

I’m thinking that if it doesn’t work with our surrogate that my husband and I will end up divorced.  The only level we relate anymore is on parenting.  And living with him like a roommate is just another thing about life that is just too painful.

I’m thinking that my Sweetie is so adorable.  She’s sitting next to me on the couch trying to say ‘hippopotamus’.

I’m thinking that I really should just check myself into a mental hospital for a few weeks.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through October.  It just feels more and more crushing each day that I think I should be this much closer to holding my Abby.


7 thoughts on “Just sitting here…

  1. I am sorry. So freaking sorry. I have been in your shoes, lapped time after time, year after year. Unable to connect with my husband, imagining a different life. I’ve been there, and it sucks. Do whatever you have to do to take care of you. Sending so much love.

  2. Sending love and support- this journey takes a terrible toll on a marriage. Hubby and I have been working hard to reconnect, but the progress is slow. And I totally get wanting to check in to a mental institution- all I can think about these days is how much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Hugs to you…

  3. You are grieving and it is so painful isn’t it. It affects all areas of our life. I’ve had the same feelings about my husband at these times and guilt over not being emotionally available for my son. It is hard and do what you feel you need to do to stay safe and make it through October. I’m here to tell you that I’ve been there, I completely understand, and you can get through this no matter the outcome. You will get through this. I’m here for you if you need to talk privately. Thinking of you always my dear blog friend. Take care of yourself.

  4. I know what you mean, I totally feel like I’m going to be the last one standing, even here in infertility land. I can hear your pain in your posts, and I wish there was something to say that could help. All I have to offer is that I’m so sorry, and you’re definitely not alone.

  5. I am so terribly sorry that my news has added to your pain. Having just dealt with a family member spending time in a facility, I have an inkling of what you are feeling. I hope with my whole heart that you will find the strength and support that you need to get through each day of this month. Hugs!

  6. I’m so sorry. It’s so much pain to deal with. I don’t know if you’re serious about the mental hospital thing, but I know I had a point in my life where I seriously considered that. Eventually I found my way out of that depression, but it’s so important to have someone to lean on when you’re feeling that badly & to not isolate yourself. I hope things start to turn around for you soon. Hugs.

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