It is time to say goodbye. I have found far too many blogs that don’t have a nice ending posted. You read along with the story and root for the person writing and then ‘poof’ it ends. Months go by with no new posts. Who knows what happened- did they just get too busy or decide to take back their private thoughts?
I look back over the last year and I wish I could talk to the person I was a year ago. I had a happy little 1 year old and was starting IVF with PGS after 4 miscarriages. I thought my problem was genetics and if we could get rid of the ‘bad eggs/embryos’ that it would work out and my babieswouldn’t die. I was tired of miscarrying and I screwed myself over by hoping that my path could be better with a little technology. Then I carried my little girl to 16 weeks and life once again showed me how cruel it is.
I wish I could tell the person I once was to stop. That the road I was walking down would destroy me. That it would kill my marriage. And take away the joy of being a mother to Sweetie. And that the road I was walking on would make me hate myself. Hate my life.
If everything happens for a reason, then I guess the reason is now clear. It was to push me over the edge.
I never thought this would be my path. I thought I was stronger or better than this, but I’m not. I’m done with every second of every day being touched by the pain of my dead babies while surrounded by other people’s happy pregnancies. I won’t do it anymore.
Not everyone gets a happy ending. I certainly didn’t get mine. I should have quit while I was ‘ahead’. Bye. Thanks for reading if only for a short time.