Hindsight

It is time to say goodbye. I have found far too many blogs that don’t have a nice ending posted. You read along with the story and root for the person writing and then ‘poof’ it ends.  Months go by with no new posts. Who knows what happened- did they just get too busy or decide to take back their private thoughts?

I look back over the last year and I wish I could talk to the person I was a year ago.  I had a happy little 1 year old and was starting IVF with PGS after 4 miscarriages. I thought my problem was genetics and if we could get rid of the ‘bad eggs/embryos’ that it would work out and my babieswouldn’t die. I was tired of miscarrying and I screwed myself over by hoping that my path could be better with a little technology.   Then I carried my little girl to 16 weeks and life once again showed me how cruel it is.

I wish I could tell the person I once was to stop. That the road I was walking down would destroy me.  That it would kill my marriage. And take away the joy of being a mother to Sweetie. And that the road I was walking on would make me hate myself. Hate my life.

If everything happens for a reason, then I guess the reason is now clear. It was to push me over the edge.

I never thought this would be my path. I thought I was stronger or better than this, but I’m not.  I’m done with every second of every day being touched by the pain of my dead babies while surrounded by other people’s happy pregnancies.  I won’t do it anymore.

Not everyone gets a happy ending. I certainly didn’t get mine.  I should have quit while I was ‘ahead’.  Bye. Thanks for reading if only for a short time.

/MMB

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11 thoughts on “Hindsight

  1. I’m really sorry you haven’t gotten a happy ending. I might be in the minority around here, but I agree that not everyone gets one, at least not in a recognizable way. Sadly I think the further you go down the RPL rabbit hole, the more likely you are to feel this way. I really really hope you find some peace, even if it isn’t here. Good luck.

  2. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through, friend 😦 I will be thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind. Please know I am always here to chat if you ever want to email me. I have never been in your position, but I have struggled with deep depression and have been at the place, twice, where I thought I was at the end of the road. I am always happy to listen and show you support. Hugs.

  3. I’m really sorry to read this. I wanted to thank you for your honesty in writing your blog. I’ve always appreciated that you don’t sugar coat the future. You say it like it is, like it feels. Like a lot of us feel. For what it’s worth there are a lot of us out here still waiting and hoping and struggling too, so you’re not alone. Feeling left out and worried this will never happen for us. It fills me with dread on a daily basis the older I get, the thought that I quite possibly will never have a child after multiple losses takes my breath away. I can feel your pain and I wish there was something I could do to fix it. It’s just so unfair. Whatever happens I’ll be thinking of you, whether we hear from you again or not. Please take care xx

  4. I haven’t been a follower for very long, but I wanted to just let you know that in the short time that I have been reading your posts, I have really appreciated your openness and honesty on the topic of repeated pregnancy loss. I can relate to so much of what you have written here and while my RPL was before my first live baby, I totally understand when you say it has wrecked the person that you one were. I used to be a happy, confident, and optimistic person until I had loss after loss. All of the happiness that I once had surrounding pregnancy and children just isn’t there and I am so sad for my living son that this is the case. I know this might sound odd since I don’t know you personally, but I wish I could give you a hug right now. You are definitely not alone. I hope that one day you can find some peace with everything. I am so sorry that the outcome hasn’t been better for you.

  5. Huge ((hugs)) to you. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You were open and honest about all your emotions and thoughts, which isn’t easy to do. Whatever is next for you, I wish you peace and happiness.

  6. You are right. We don’t all get our happy ending. At least not the one we think we’re going to get- but that absolutely doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve happiness again. At least that’s what I’m banking on, since I am also one of those few women who didn’t get my 2.0. I continue to blog, because I think there is something of value in sharing what happens AFTER infertility- specifically, when things don’t end well…. though I totally respect your decision to stop, if that’s what feels right for you. It’s a hard road, and like you, I’m suffering cruelly. But I think that somehow- some day- we’ll both be ok again. Wishing you peace, and lots of luck in your future endeavours.

  7. Is there any reason I could convince you to stay? You must of course do what is best for you. But I feel like I’ve gotten to know you these past few months. I look forward to your posts, even when they aren’t happy ones. Your honesty is what keeps me coming back. And no, happy endings aren’t always possible. But I truly hope thus isn’t the end of your story, no matter where your path leads. Much love coming your way.

  8. I just found your blog. After reading your last two entries I’m not sure you will get this message at all. But just in case, I want to tell you that nothing will ever make rpl okay. Even a happy ending of a living healthy child can only help so much. It’s a horrible experience and it’s on fair. I’m sorry you’ve found unsupportive people, especially other rplers. Only you know when it’s time to stop.

    Whatever you have lost in this journey, don’t give up. Move on if you need to. But don’t give up on yourself, your husband, and especially your baby. You are the absolute best mother that child will ever have no matter what or how you feel right now. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but in time it soften almost all of them.

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