I’m just not sure what to do with myself right now.
I’m completely exhausted and have just enough nausea to remind me that I was pregnant a few days ago. I may still be, but I don’t trust symptoms anymore; I only trust the brief moments while I’m looking at an ultrasound with a visible heartbeat. I wish there were a stick to pee on that tells me if there’s still a heart (or two) beating in me. Can some scientist work on that? I know, there are dopplers, but they don’t work till later. That was what told me my last baby girl was dead. I threw mine away after that, I couldn’t bear to see it anymore.
And part of me doesn’t want to attempt to monitor this pregnancy the way I did the last one- the way you are ‘supposed’ to monitor a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss patient’s pregnancy. It doesn’t really do any good, does it? I don’t know and it certainly didn’t help me keep Abby. There are studies that say that TLC helped in cases of idiopathic recurrent miscarriage- closely following the pregnancy and caring, concerned doctors helped improve outcomes.
I do want to know as soon as possible if something is wrong, so I’m between a rock and a hard place. I want to stop these freaking medications- I started lovenox, neupogen and prednisone and the side effects are just awful. No need to stay on these longer than needed.
So as of now I have nothing scheduled and no plan. I saw my RE to confirm pregnancy, just because I didn’t want to go back to my OB’s office by myself. My RE said they could see me again if it made me feel better but that I should just get into my OB’s calendar soon. I am just paralyzed and can’t make that call.
I did manage to call my other stellar OB surgeon’s office on Friday to cancel my hysterectomy. The nurse coordinator was all excited and I just wanted to tell her it won’t last. I fought so hard to get approved for that surgery and did so much research to find the best surgeon (since my OB wouldn’t do it) and now I suppose I’ll have to start all over again next year.
I guess I should be good at starting over. It’s just harder when you don’t know where the end point is that you have to start from.