Not sure what to do

I’m just not sure what to do with myself right now.

I’m completely exhausted and have just enough nausea to remind me that I was pregnant a few days ago.  I may still be, but I don’t trust symptoms anymore; I only trust the brief moments while I’m looking at an ultrasound with a visible heartbeat.   I wish there were a stick to pee on that tells me if there’s still a heart (or two) beating in me.  Can some scientist work on that?  I know, there are dopplers, but they don’t work till later.  That was what told me my last baby girl was dead.  I threw mine away after that,  I couldn’t bear to see it anymore.

And part of me doesn’t want to attempt to monitor this pregnancy the way I did the last one- the way you are ‘supposed’ to monitor a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss patient’s pregnancy.  It doesn’t really do any good, does it?  I don’t know and it certainly didn’t help me keep Abby.  There are studies that say that TLC helped in cases of idiopathic recurrent miscarriage-  closely following the pregnancy and caring, concerned doctors helped improve outcomes.

I do want to know as soon as possible if something is wrong, so I’m between a rock and a hard place.  I want to stop these freaking medications- I started lovenox, neupogen and prednisone and the side effects are just awful.  No need to stay on these longer than needed.

So as of now I have nothing scheduled and no plan.  I saw my RE to confirm pregnancy, just because I didn’t want to go back to my OB’s office by myself.  My RE said they could see me again if it made me feel better but that I should just get into my OB’s calendar soon.  I am just paralyzed and can’t make that call.

I did manage to call my other stellar OB surgeon’s office on Friday to cancel my hysterectomy.  The nurse coordinator was all excited and I just wanted to tell her it won’t last.  I fought so hard to get approved for that surgery and did so much research to find the best surgeon (since my OB wouldn’t do it) and now I suppose I’ll have to start all over again next year.

I guess I should be good at starting over.  It’s just harder when  you don’t know where the end point is that you have to start from.




2 thoughts on “Not sure what to do

  1. Of course you’re not going to rely on any outside indicators. Your faith has been shattered more than once. It’s going to take a healthy baby in your arms for you to believe this can work.

    It’s my hope that that is exactly what you get.

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