How dare I be thinking that?

So I’ll start with the (good) news.  I called my OB’s office this morning (we are back to the eternally optimistic OB) and the secretary (who knows me by name and situation) said she would sneak me in this afternoon because she had a cancellation.  Really nice of her.  And it worked out that my DH could go with me, which I had thought would be critical for my sanity (ha!).

Babies are measuring well and my OB checked heartrates- 154 and 146 which I guess is ok for ~7.5 weeks.  I have a subchorionic hemorrhage around Baby B.  This is concerning because I’m on lovenox and baby aspirin.  Go figure I’m not bleeding or spotting at all.  She wants to check again in a week and we’ll make decisions from there.  I had bleeding with Sweetie’s pregnancy (natural one).  And with Abby’s pregnancy (IVF one).  So I think this is just another part of my uterine dysfunction and implantation issues.

I interrogated her about the scar tissue and what impact it could have and when it would have an impact.  She said it was a valid concern and she’s going to try to get the images to review.  From what I remember, some of the bands were up by my tube, so those may not have an impact.  But with two babies in there, space becomes more of a premium and it’s more likely it will have an impact.  She didn’t know and promised to look more into it before my next visit.

I just cannot handle people saying ‘congratulations’ right now (in person, I mean-  like the office staff and all the clinical techs).  I know they mean well, but it’s so hard to hear when you are standing at the cliff of pregnancy after recurrent (first and second) trimester miscarriages AND you have two little babies that will be affected this time.  It’s just not a ‘congratulations’ situation right now.  (and I don’t mean to be rude, I really appreciate all of you who have commented positively. I mean that wholeheartedly.  I’m obviously not telling a single soul about this pregnancy yet, so I really need to just lay it all out here).

My OB didn’t agree with the decision to stop all my mental health meds.  She did agree that the two were really not pregnancy safe, but she wanted to put me back on something ‘safe’.  I just said I was not finding the least bit of benefit on Zoloft before, I didn’t see how it would help now.  So we’ll watch that as well.

So now I get to my confession part of this post- How dare I be thinking these?

– The thought crossed my mind that the universe/god ‘owes’ me these two healthy babies.  It has taken enough from me, I deserve these two babies.  Um, If only it worked like that.  But who am I to be thinking something like that and what’s going to happen because of my arrogant entitlement?  We already know that I somehow don’t seem to get struck down, the universe/god likes to strike down my babies.

– I actually wished at some point yesterday that one baby would die.  I’m SO scared of a twin pregnancy, I was really hoping I could just try this with one (not that I wanted to try it again anyway).  And then the second after I thought that, I realized what a horrible person that made me- how can I of all people who have lost SIX babies wish that I lose another?  I have read too many blogs with pre-term losses of healthy twins (and triplets).  I am in crappy shape, I eat horribly and don’t exercise, I can’t even keep one baby alive in me (it seems), why would I think that I can successfully carry two?  Oh, and add in my cervix which has been dilated for 4 D&C’s and multiple hysteroscopies-  am I supposed to expect that poor little abused muscle to keep in two babies so they have a decent shot at life?

– I also had the horrible thought that I hope at least one of these babies is a girl.  I never expected to be one of those people- when you lose so many babies, you really just want one to take home.  I know that no baby will ever replace my Abby, but I really just long for another little girl.  I know I’m getting ahead of myself so much, but I was really surprised at that thought of mine.


5 thoughts on “How dare I be thinking that?

  1. You DO deserve these two babies!! It’s not arrogant or entitled, it doesn’t even actually make up for what you’ve lost (although it helps of course). I’m not going to pretend you shouldn’t be nervous about a twin pregnancy with your history, but if everything appears okay so far then don’t get ahead of yourself worrying. Just make sure they stay super duper on top of things in there, as many ultrasounds, etc. as they’ll let you have. You need all the assurance you can get.

  2. I was told by my doc that the d and c’s (3 of them), hysteroscopies and septum removal wouldn’t impact my cervix while pregnant…hope that’s the case for you, too!

  3. I love your blog because you are brutally honest. I guarantee that others in similar situations have had the same thoughts. In fact, I’d be worried if you weren’t worried. You DO deserve your happy ending, and twin pregnancies are terrifying. As for gender? You had an image in your mind of what your family was going to look like, then had it snatched away. I think it’s perfectly normal to want that back, even though you know that another little girl will never replace Abby. The heart wants what the heart wants. No judgement here!

  4. I agree that you DO deserve these babies! Try not to feel bad about any of your feelings right now. It’s such a stressful (for a good reason) time, and your worries are normal. Luckily, they’ll monitor you more with a twin pregnancy, and likely check your cervix frequently too.
    About wanting a girl– I did too! And I felt bad even thinking about having a preference, like how dare I try to be choosey when I’m lucky enough to be having a baby?!? But that’s totally normal too. I’m sure both of us would absolutely adore our sons if that’s what we ended up having!

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