Can you prepare to make it easier?

I was totally blindsided when I found out that my first pregnancy was not viable.  I thought I was 10ish weeks along.  I hadn’t had a single incidence of spotting or cramping.  I thought those were ‘required’ to signal a miscarriage, so I was sure I was in the clear.  How could this happen silently in my body and I had no idea?  The betrayal and surprise added to the devastation of the situation.

Then I was more cautious with pregnancies/miscarriages #2 and #3.  We watched beta numbers and had early ultrasounds and at the very first sign of something being less than textbook, I assumed I was miscarrying again.   I was unfortunately right.

Same with miscarriages #4 and #5.  My betas were doubling and tripling, but they were always very low on the scale.  I knew I wouldn’t have a good outcome.

Then pregnancy #7/miscarriage #6 happened.  I don’t know how much more blindsided you can be than to lose a healthy, textbook pregnancy at 16w.  My betas were perfect, we had SO many great ultrasounds, her growth was perfect to the day, NT scan was all clear.  But I was in no way even close to prepared for Abby to die.  Total rug pulled out from under me.

So I find myself during this pregnancy #8  just expecting it to be doomed.  I feel like the most morbid person walking about trying to ‘anticipate’ what horrible things are going to happen and when they are going to happen so that it doesn’t surprise me.  I have a great list going of all the awful ways this will turn out:

Babies hearts will have stopped at my next ultrasound (tomorrow),  my cervix will give out in pre-term labor, water will break and cause an infection, pre-eclampsia will force them to deliver babies too soon, babies will come too soon and die in the NICU….

The list goes on and on.  And given that I lost Abby on Mother’s Day, there has to be some other horrible, ironic, cruel twist to it all, doesn’t there?

I know what I *think* I’m doing.  I think I’m preparing myself so it hurts less when I ultimately lose babies 8 & 9.  There are so many possible negative outcomes that the 1 in who knows how many odds that I actually end up with two healthy babies is just too slim.  But is ‘preparing’ making this any easier?  Will it?  Is that even possible?

Part of me thinks that it will or it has the potential to.  At least if you can take out the nasty element of surprise, some of the pain has to be diminished.  When I look at my history that seems to be the case.  The miscarriages where I really did not expect to have miscarried were far more difficult.  Or even in other areas of life.  My mom passed away very quickly with cancer.  On Sunday, she was in the hospital having chemo and preparing for a bone marrow transplant.  Then less than 7 days later, she had gone home on hospice and passed away.  One week when everything just crumbled and the doctors went from offering her a treatment plan to offering her palliative care.  Just awful to think how quickly our lives are destroyed by death.  And even worse when we don’t expect it.

So I’m spotting right now- I should have been expecting it based on Tuesday’s ultrasound findings of a SCH.  But it still makes me think that this is all over.  At least it would be better to have it happen now than 12 weeks from now.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for me an earlier miscarriage would be far better than a late one.

For now, I’m just trying to be prepared.  I would love to be proven wrong, but until that happens…


5 thoughts on “Can you prepare to make it easier?

  1. I do think its better to be ‘prepared’, at least up to a point. it’s going to suck terribly no matter what if you miscarry (although I would also agree later has to be harder), but I think it’s worse if your blindsided. personally I think middle ground is the best, hoping it will be okay, but aware it might not.

  2. I totally, TOTALLY understand thinking this way. When I got a positive HPT with my last pregnancy, I just shrugged my shoulders and went on with my day. I couldn’t let myself believe- even for a second- that pregnancy=baby. And had that baby made it, I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get attached until that child was safe in my arms. And given that my daughter had a massive stroke that could have killed her two days after birth, I think I would have struggled even then. There’s nothing wrong with being in self-protection mode. For people like you and I… and the entire ALI community… it’s all about getting by rather than finding joy. Hugs to you… I sincerely hope the spotting is just due to the SCH.

  3. I get this. It’s been impossible to really relax at all this time. I too read all the premature birth stories as if those could prepare me for losing my son. I’m still holding onto hope for you, though I understand how very difficult it is for you to do the same. Much love coming your way.

  4. Pingback: Beginning a Plan: Fighting for Future Pregnancies | two solid lines

  5. Praying for you… I can completely understand your fear and anxiety and preparing for the worse. Since my miscarriage exactly three weeks ago today, I have to remind myself to take one HOUR at a time…Not even one day at a time… One hour. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you and your little one all the best.

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