Why do I do this to myself?

I had another good ultrasound yesterday. Hopefully my last internal ultrasound as I hit 11 weeks on Saturday. 

 

But it’s also that most awful time- I’ve had 5-6 good ultrasounds and things seem to be going well. My OB office doesn’t want to see me weekly anymore, especially not with the holidays. Of course, it’s too early to feel the babies moving, so there’s nothing to reassure me at this point in time. 

 

So what did I do?  I bought another freaking Doppler. I threw out the last one after Abby died. There was no point in keeping it as I wasn’t going to get pregnant again and I really didn’t want the bad reminders. And then I go and do it again and for some reason I try it out tonight. 

Of course, I heard nothing, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to anyway over the sounds of my own sobbing. What horrible flashbacks to that horrible night where I tried to find Abby’s heartbeat with no success. Remembering that I tried to joke with my husband that ‘this kid must not like me to be scaring me like this’ (as I was still trying to hope that she was hiding.) Flashbacks to being on the phone with the on-call OB who tried to direct me as to how to find the HB (yes, she was clearly thinking that I was just a nervous Nellie instead of someone who was really good at using the Doppler). Then remembering the RN in the ER telling me that she’s not very good at finding heartbeats so don’t read too much into it if she can’t. Then the final blow of the ER MD using the portable ultrasound and seeing my lifeless baby there on the screen. 

 

There are some memories we just shouldn’t relive. I don’t know why I bought this damned Doppler, but I should have known better than to do this to myself. 

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3 thoughts on “Why do I do this to myself?

  1. I’m sorry. Dopplers are such a mix of good and evil. I’m sure you know, but 11 weeks is pretty early to hear the heartbeat on a home Doppler. I was too afraid to even try until a few weeks later than that. No one could blame you for being so worried though. It’s a scary time.

  2. I’m sorry. My doppler has been oth a blessing and a curse. A blessing when it works right….and annoying as shit when I can’t find the baby’s heartbeat. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t start using mine until 14 weeks, and even then it took FOREVER to find the heartbeat (like, 20-30 minutes each time). I’m not that patient and would often give up and try again later, meanwhile stressing out beyond belief. Even just last week (at 26 weeks), baby was in a weird position and I couldn’t catch the heartbeat. I could feel his kicks, but damn if that machine would find any heartbeat it my own. My OB has even had to go on a tense search at several appointments because he runs away from the doppler.

    So. Easier said than done, but try not to panic. Although I’m not surprised that this triggers some AWFUL memories for you. Sending love and hugs.

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