Worthless

The first person to ever make me feel worthless was my father.  Definitely not the daddy/daughter memories you want to have. I was constantly told that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough and I lacked common sense.  I was told that it was a ‘good thing you’re smart, because no man will ever want you for your looks.’ I was ‘lazy’ and ‘in for a rude awakening when I got out into the real world’. 

 

Keep in mind- I was a straight A student. Top of my class. I won state awards for music and spent most of my time hanging out with church youth group friends. By most people’s standards, I was a good kid. That didn’t stop me from getting verbally abused by my father. He even did his best to minimize my accomplishments-  somehow the man who couldn’t even tell you where I went for music lessons was telling people that it was because of him that I won competitions. He had the nerve to complain about hearing me practice my instrument and wouldn’t let me practice whenever he was home. But he was happy to put on a face in public that pretended he was supportive.  Needless to say, you don’t build a very good self-esteem growing up with that. 

 

And despite breaking off ties and not speaking to him for over 5 years, his voice is still the one I hear in my head. The voice that I hear whenever I do something less than smart. Whenever I feel inadequate. Even when I do something good or right, I still hear that it wasn’t good enough. 

 

Ive tried to squash that voice. I’ve spent years talking about that in therapy. I’d like to think I’d made some progress at getting that voice gone. I think I was just pretty successful in my 20s and I didn’t have so many opportunities to feel like a failure. 

 

Then I started losing pregnancy after pregnancy. I felt like such a failure of a woman- I couldn’t do the one biological task that women were ‘supposed’ to be good at. And I haven’t been able to quiet that voice very well since.  I feel pretty worthless when I look at my history.  Every thing that goes wrong even when I have no control over it just makes me play in my head in stereo that I suck. 

 

So I managed to ruin Christmas this year. I have been crampy for several days and I woke up during the middle of the night to another massive episode ofbleeding. That was just enough to completely distract me from the day and more than enough to piss off my husband. He wanted me to ‘just get over it for a day’. Believe me, I wanted to get over it, too. 

I said I was trying and he filled in with my father’s line that it wasn’t good enough then. Ouch.  He was probably right, but I don’t need any more reinforcement of the negative shit. I feel worthless enough on my own, thanks. 

 

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6 thoughts on “Worthless

  1. I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you. This is just so unfair that you were put through that. And then to have to relive it all by feeling like a failure now. You didn’t deserve feeling like that then, and you don’t deserve it now either.

  2. I’m so sorry for what you experienced last night. I can understand how you feel b/c I’ve had a very rocky relationship with my mother since I was a teenager. Like your father, she would make me feel horrible about myself. Even today, I feel like nothing I do will make her proud of me and at times it makes me feel unloved by own my mother (yes, I still shed tears and my dad will remind me that I have to accept her for who she is, don’t let it bother me, she’ll never change, etc.). I’m thinking of you today and please know, you are not a failure. It is not our fault that we didn’t get the loving, nuturing father/mother. But you know what? We will never be like them and we will be great mothers.

  3. I’m so sorry about those awful memories, and about the scary bleeding episode on Christmas. Did you go in for another scan? I’ve been thinking about you and hoping everything is okay, hugs.

  4. You are NOT worthless and nobody is less of a person because they are struggling with something. I hope you can find people who treat you with respect and compassion because you deserve no less. Thinking of you and hoping everything is OK.

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