The first person to ever make me feel worthless was my father. Definitely not the daddy/daughter memories you want to have. I was constantly told that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough and I lacked common sense. I was told that it was a ‘good thing you’re smart, because no man will ever want you for your looks.’ I was ‘lazy’ and ‘in for a rude awakening when I got out into the real world’.
Keep in mind- I was a straight A student. Top of my class. I won state awards for music and spent most of my time hanging out with church youth group friends. By most people’s standards, I was a good kid. That didn’t stop me from getting verbally abused by my father. He even did his best to minimize my accomplishments- somehow the man who couldn’t even tell you where I went for music lessons was telling people that it was because of him that I won competitions. He had the nerve to complain about hearing me practice my instrument and wouldn’t let me practice whenever he was home. But he was happy to put on a face in public that pretended he was supportive. Needless to say, you don’t build a very good self-esteem growing up with that.
And despite breaking off ties and not speaking to him for over 5 years, his voice is still the one I hear in my head. The voice that I hear whenever I do something less than smart. Whenever I feel inadequate. Even when I do something good or right, I still hear that it wasn’t good enough.
Ive tried to squash that voice. I’ve spent years talking about that in therapy. I’d like to think I’d made some progress at getting that voice gone. I think I was just pretty successful in my 20s and I didn’t have so many opportunities to feel like a failure.
Then I started losing pregnancy after pregnancy. I felt like such a failure of a woman- I couldn’t do the one biological task that women were ‘supposed’ to be good at. And I haven’t been able to quiet that voice very well since. I feel pretty worthless when I look at my history. Every thing that goes wrong even when I have no control over it just makes me play in my head in stereo that I suck.
So I managed to ruin Christmas this year. I have been crampy for several days and I woke up during the middle of the night to another massive episode ofbleeding. That was just enough to completely distract me from the day and more than enough to piss off my husband. He wanted me to ‘just get over it for a day’. Believe me, I wanted to get over it, too.
I said I was trying and he filled in with my father’s line that it wasn’t good enough then. Ouch. He was probably right, but I don’t need any more reinforcement of the negative shit. I feel worthless enough on my own, thanks.