So I had a kind of disturbing conversation with a friend this weekend. She has two kids and she is done having more. I was working the conversation around to try to break my news of my pregnancy (which still scares me to death!)
So we were talking about another mutual friend who is pregnant and my frIend (Let’s call her Kelly) said she was pretty sure that our other friend was just as done as she was with kids after the next one. Kelly said she hoped our other friend would have a tubal so she’s ‘certain’ she’s done. Kelly said she wished she had had a C-section so she could have had her tubes tied. I was surprised because the way Kelly talks, I thought she (or her husband) had been permanently sterilized. No- Kelly informs me that she’s just on the pill. Well- given my experience with the pill failing (times two!), I made a comment that there are lots of pregnancies still while women are on the pill.
Kelly blew me away by saying ‘I’d abort in a second if I ended up with an unwanted pregnancy’. Whew- that one threw me for a second. I generally considered myself pro-choice even though a voluntary abortion would never be for me. So I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised, but it was just the way she said it so bluntly that surprised me.
So, I eventually got it into the conversation that I’m expecting and I was honest that I was on birth control. I kind of hate being honest about that because IF these boys ever make it into my arms, I don’t want them hearing or thinking that they were a mistake or unwanted.
So Kelly then applies her beliefs and asks me why I’m going through this pregnancy if I didn’t want it in the first place. Yes, she pretty much asked me why the heck I didn’t ‘just abort’ these babies. She knows of my history. She knows I didn’t want to be pregnant ever again. But the big difference is that while the pregnancy is not wanted, the baby at the end of the pregnancy is SO wanted. Are we allowed to separate those two concepts? I know outside of adoption and surrogacy, there’s really no other way to get a baby without the pregnancy part. Is it odd that I have really totally separated those in my mind?
So thinking about this after she and I parted- it really began to hit me that I am changing. I don’t hate the pregnancy part of this experience anymore. Believe me, I did at first. I know that may be hard for some to hear depending on where you are at with your fertility journey. Some women go for years wanting a pregnancy and I have twins drop in my lap a month before a hysterectomy. I didn’t want to be pregnant again. And I really really hated that this was happening to me again. I have to forgive myself for feeling that way at the beginning. But I didn’t expect to come this far. I actually started rubbing my bump today and felt a tad happy that I’m showing already. I lost Abby before I was showing and the lack of that physical showing bothers me sometimes. Maybe I just feel like at least if I lose these babies, having a visible bump means no one else can ever deny that they weren’t here. But I *liked* it that I’m showing. I *liked* something about pregnancy. This pregnancy. For just a moment, pregnancy was something other than an awful scary time.
So I’m moving forward. Not there yet. Don’t know when I’ll get there or where there will be.