I’m just not that into your pregnancy

Have you seen that movie ‘He’s just not that into you’?  I think we need a pregnancy version of that movie. I’m so very tired of feeling like the world needs to revolve around pregnancy and pregnant women.

Now a disclaimer- I totally realize this post is ironic because a majority of my recent posts are pregnancy updates. I’m not talking about blogs- I think blogs are a persons unique sacred place where they can talk about themselves and whatever else they want to without apology. It’s their right and others can choose to read or not, whatever they can handle at the moment.

So anyway…has anyone else noticed how many (most?) pregnant women seem to be incapable of talking about anything other than their pregnancy?  I have Sweetie in a park district class that has 8 other 2-3 year olds. Of course, 3 of the other moms are visibly pregnant- all due Jan to late Feb.

So this class is 6 weeks long and there’s not a ton of time to really get to know the other moms, so we spend a fair bit of time making small talk. And of course since three of them are pregnant that means all the small talk HAS to be about pregnancy. Gag.

So I tried an experiment this last class and tried to suggest lines of conversation that had nothing to do with pregnancy. Here’s how it went:

Me: So have you had a chance to do any Christmas baking?  Does [insert toddlers name] have fun helping out in the kitchen?

Her: No, this belly of mine gets in the way too much to do anything in the kitchen anymore. I guess I’ll just have to wait till this baby arrives and then we’ll bake some valentines cookies. Although then I’ll have a newborn to carry around!  I have an old carrier I used with [toddler], do you know if the ergo works with a newborn?  Maybe I should put a different one on my registry?  I know you aren’t supposed to register for the second baby but I just couldn’t help myself.

Take 2:

Me: So are you traveling anywhere for Christmas or do you have family coming for the holiday?

Her: No, my mom is coming in January so she’s here when the baby comes. She’s going to drive me crazy because [toddler] didn’t come till 41w4d and had to be induced and I’m certain this one will be late too so she’ll be here forever. My OB said we could talk about inducing at 40 weeks this time but I don’t know if I want to be induced again. I kind of want to try to have this one naturally and I’ve heard that’s harder when you are induced. Although I kind of liked my epidural with [toddler].  Were you induced with Sweetie?

Take 3

Me:  So are you done with all your Christmas shopping?

Her: Ugh, shopping is such a pain when you’re 7 months pregnant with a toddler.  I just can’t get motivated. Although I did find myself some more great maternity clothes at Motherhood that I just had to buy. Heck, I deserve some Christmas presents for myself right?  I’m SO much bigger than I was with [toddler], I’m really hoping I just stop growing now.

Yes- my attempts to talk to three different pregnant women about anything other than pregnancy were massive fails. Is it just me?  Were my questions just bad?  I guess I can go back to just being quiet and ignoring all the pregnancy chatter and pay attention to Sweetie.

I do find myself looking at some of the other women in the room who aren’t pregnant. Are they like me in the early stages of pregnancy and that’s how they tolerate this constant discussion about pregnancy?  I wonder if any of them have also had issues with infertility?  Does this constant discussion about pregnancy irritate them or hurt them as well?

Superstitious

So it’s Friday the 13th. Not sure if I’m the superstitious type or not.

Of course that may change as of this morning. I woke up to race to the bathroom thinking I just had to pee. But no, I was gushing blood. Bright red blood. I also left a lovely trail from my bed to the bathroom.

So I was not expecting this- the ultrasound on Monday had showed the SCH pretty much gone. So was this fresh bleeding?  And it was very thin like red blood mixed with fluid. I worried that we were losing the sac for one baby.

So it was off to the OB this afternoon. My husband came along as I think he was more freaked out than I was. He doesn’t like the sight of blood and I think the mess in our room this morning really got to him.

Babies are good once again and there is no evidence of anymore SCH. Go figure.

10 weeks down. Hopefully 26 more to go.

Glass is half full

Well, it was my weekly ultrasound/OB visit.

Half- Full: Babies are still looking good and are measuring 9w4d. They are at that cute gummy bear stage and they are wiggling around a lot. Their heart rates were 146 and 150, which is quite a bit slowed from last week. I guess that’s normal from what I read but it still freaks me out just enough that they are just going to keep slowing till they stop like Abby.

Now for the Half-Empty: my BP is high enough that my OB wants me to start medication already. This is not good news. I have a lot of white coat hypertension especially when going in to my OBs office for an ultrasound, but I think this is different. I knew with being on the prednisone that it could elevate my BP. And being overweight doesn’t help any. Hopefully the medication helps. I hate taking yet another drug. Ugh.

Then there’s the confusing issue- when does a high risk patient with twins see a MFM? My OB said there was no point until a level 2 ultrasound at 18-20 weeks. I see lots of Internet stories of seeing them sooner. Guess I need to do more googling. It’s just really tough to let my mind go that far ahead.

Have to tell soon

My belly continues to grow.  Since starting prednisone once I found out I was pregnant, I’ve been so freaking hungry and eating non-stop.  And since taking this I know have the lovely ‘moon face’ that is common with steroid use.  Definitely avoiding any holiday pictures this year.  It also doesn’t help that I’m just nauseated enough with this pregnancy and eating constantly seems to be the best cure.  Add in twins and a uterus that has been pregnant 8 times.

The bottom line is that my belly is growing.  Fast.

When I lost Abby at 16w, I wasn’t really even showing yet.  I had told many close ‘friends’, but hadn’t told many others.  Definitely hadn’t gone ‘FB official’.

So now I’m coming up on just 9 weeks pregnant and I’m scared to death that I need to tell my friends.  Of course, that group all disappeared when Abby died, so this is a whole new group of friends.  Sad to say, but I don’t see any but maybe two of my friends from before I lost her.  Quite depressing, but I guess that’s another post.

I don’t even think I’ll manage to make it into the 2nd trimester without having to share this news.  I’m going to have to do it soon.  This scares me beyond all reason. Already I’m getting some comment about me not drinking when we are out.   I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, I didn’t want to ever be pregnant again.  I told all these friends we were pursuing surrogacy.  And now I have to break out the news that I’m not only pregnant, but with twins.  And it’s probably likely that I won’t take these babies home, either.

I don’t want to tell people again.  I don’t want to risk losing these friends if/when I lose these babies and my world falls apart again.  I can’t keep starting over.  I can’t keep having people disappear because they feel awkward around the RPL friend who keeps losing babies.

I’m scared.

 

Still going

Baby A: HB of 175 measuring 8w3d

Baby B: HB of 170 measuring 8w2d

Based on the last two measurements (and my lack of any reliable LMP), we are going to say I’m 8w2d.

So after the good ultrasound we dove into the lovely topic of how little doctors know. My OB really can’t tell me anything about what to expect with having scar tissue in my uterus before this conception. She thinks my SCH is relatively small and nothing to worry about, but then she corrected and said with my history we’ll just keep watching and hoping.

I ran into the other OB as I was leaving my appointment- this OB was the one who did the D&C after we discovered that my little girls heart had stopped. She said ‘congrats’ which was nice. Im sure I’ll have to see her again in the course of this pregnancy (my OB office has several OBs and You have to see them all). I don’t blame her necessarily for performing the D&C that caused scar tissue. I do blame her for not honestly representing the risks based on my history (3 D&Cs) and the late gestation (a D&C at 16 weeks is far more risky than one at 7w). I really feel the need to tell her that I wish she had provided better informed consent.

My husband is out of the country for the next two weeks. And my birthday is this week. He is happy that this pregnancy seems be doing ok and oblivious to the fact that we are anything other than ok.

Can you prepare to make it easier?

I was totally blindsided when I found out that my first pregnancy was not viable.  I thought I was 10ish weeks along.  I hadn’t had a single incidence of spotting or cramping.  I thought those were ‘required’ to signal a miscarriage, so I was sure I was in the clear.  How could this happen silently in my body and I had no idea?  The betrayal and surprise added to the devastation of the situation.

Then I was more cautious with pregnancies/miscarriages #2 and #3.  We watched beta numbers and had early ultrasounds and at the very first sign of something being less than textbook, I assumed I was miscarrying again.   I was unfortunately right.

Same with miscarriages #4 and #5.  My betas were doubling and tripling, but they were always very low on the scale.  I knew I wouldn’t have a good outcome.

Then pregnancy #7/miscarriage #6 happened.  I don’t know how much more blindsided you can be than to lose a healthy, textbook pregnancy at 16w.  My betas were perfect, we had SO many great ultrasounds, her growth was perfect to the day, NT scan was all clear.  But I was in no way even close to prepared for Abby to die.  Total rug pulled out from under me.

So I find myself during this pregnancy #8  just expecting it to be doomed.  I feel like the most morbid person walking about trying to ‘anticipate’ what horrible things are going to happen and when they are going to happen so that it doesn’t surprise me.  I have a great list going of all the awful ways this will turn out:

Babies hearts will have stopped at my next ultrasound (tomorrow),  my cervix will give out in pre-term labor, water will break and cause an infection, pre-eclampsia will force them to deliver babies too soon, babies will come too soon and die in the NICU….

The list goes on and on.  And given that I lost Abby on Mother’s Day, there has to be some other horrible, ironic, cruel twist to it all, doesn’t there?

I know what I *think* I’m doing.  I think I’m preparing myself so it hurts less when I ultimately lose babies 8 & 9.  There are so many possible negative outcomes that the 1 in who knows how many odds that I actually end up with two healthy babies is just too slim.  But is ‘preparing’ making this any easier?  Will it?  Is that even possible?

Part of me thinks that it will or it has the potential to.  At least if you can take out the nasty element of surprise, some of the pain has to be diminished.  When I look at my history that seems to be the case.  The miscarriages where I really did not expect to have miscarried were far more difficult.  Or even in other areas of life.  My mom passed away very quickly with cancer.  On Sunday, she was in the hospital having chemo and preparing for a bone marrow transplant.  Then less than 7 days later, she had gone home on hospice and passed away.  One week when everything just crumbled and the doctors went from offering her a treatment plan to offering her palliative care.  Just awful to think how quickly our lives are destroyed by death.  And even worse when we don’t expect it.

So I’m spotting right now- I should have been expecting it based on Tuesday’s ultrasound findings of a SCH.  But it still makes me think that this is all over.  At least it would be better to have it happen now than 12 weeks from now.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but for me an earlier miscarriage would be far better than a late one.

For now, I’m just trying to be prepared.  I would love to be proven wrong, but until that happens…