Little steps and no gut instinct

So we finally talked to our first surrogate candidate.  She was very nice.  But…  I don’t know.  I have never interviewed surrogates before and it feels very odd to choose this person who is going to fill this massive role in your life based on a 2 hour phone call.  But I am getting absolutely no gut instinct on this.  I think my gut instinct is feeling so damaged after all the recent shi**y decision making that I am just out of touch with myself.  And the bad part is that I want SO BADLY to be moving forward that I think I would pretty much let the Devil carry my baby if we could transfer soon.

For those of you who don’t know the process of matching with a surrogate, here’s a brief summary:  We are using a (crappy, I hate them now) Agency to match us with potential surrogates.  We have filled out an Intended Parents (IP) profile and the surrogates all fill out their own version.  The profile feels very much like internet dating as does the initial phone call.  The Agency notified us they thought they had a potential candidate and we reviewed her profile.  We said we thought initially that things would work so then we get together on a three-way phone call with our carrier, my husband and I and the Agency rep.  Kinda awkward.  Then you try to make small talk until you can get around to asking more details which are far more personal than anything else you have ever asked a stranger over the phone!  At the same time, you really, really want this person to like you back, so you feel the need to be cautious and likable.

We don’t have a ton of criteria when it comes to a surrogate-  I have heard of IPs demanding their surrogate eat all organic or vegan or not have a single gram of caffeine for 10 months.  We are not in that camp.  We want someone healthy and trustworthy.

So do I think this person will be that?  Yes.  But I am still feeling no peace of mind in saying yes, she should carry our baby.  And the only horrible thing about saying ‘no’ to her at the moment is just the amount of time we will have to wait until another candidate is identified.  It’s taken us this long to see one profile, when supposedly our agency had dozens available (insert eye roll at Agency’s blatant lies), do we really want to turn her down and wait another 3-4 months?  So you really feel like if you don’t say ‘yes’, you are screwed.  But if my gut doesn’t say ‘yes’ about her, aren’t we screwed that way too?  What do you do when you don’t trust your gut anymore?  Or when you have suppressed it so much that you can’t even feel it?


So on other lovely life and uterus news, I am going to pretty much have to have surgery.  I am yet again without a period since that disastrous hysteroscopy.  Lots of cramping, lots of pain.  Too many different hormones to try to kick-start a period again.  Thank you all for your thoughts on my drastic action against my uterus- I need to look for another OB who could potentially operate.  I am actually at that lovely time of the year where I’ve paid out so much in medical bills (once again, I’m floored that it’s far more expensive to have a dead baby at 16w than to have a live baby at 39w at my hospital) that it would make far more sense to try to have a free surgery before next year resets our out of pocket maximums.  We’ll see what I can accomplish.  If nothing else, I need them to remove the scar tissue so I can get a cycle and stop this endless cramping.





It’s my body, right?

I called and talked with my OB last week.  I had my RE send her the copy of his report detailing the scar tissue that has now taken over my uterus.  We aren’t currently seeing eye-to-eye on what’s next for me and my body.

What decisions are we allowed to make about our bodies and how do doctors figure out how to ‘do no harm’?  I remember one Grey’s Anatomy episode where a guy hates his foot and he wants the doctors to remove it.  The doctors say that it’s a perfectly healthy foot, so they refuse him.  The guy borrows a chain saw and cuts it off himself so that they are forced to listen to him.

Ok, it’s extreme (and you may be able to convince me that not everything that happened on Grey’s is realistic :)), but I really feel that way about my uterus right now.  I want it gone.  I have had too many babies die in my uterus, too much pain caused by that organ, and I just want it gone.

Is this such a leap to take?  (warning- TMI)  If I don’t do anything, the Asherman’s may significantly affect my cycle, I was already struggling with not having any cycle almost 10 weeks post D&C.   It’s possible the scar tissue holds in the lining that you should shed each month and that can cause endometriosis (or make endometriosis worse in my case since I already have it).  Before these last miscarriages, I had heavy cycles and pain.  I was told it would be at least 2 surgeries to try to remove scar tissue and prevent it from returning- on top of months of estrogen therapy (which isn’t good given the endometriosis and family history of cancer).  Really, how much more do I have to try to work through with this?

If I don’t do anything, I also worry that I will get pregnant again when I don’t intend to do so.  I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past that I don’t trust going without birth control.  Between my unknown cause of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and the scar tissue that’s clouding my uterine cavity, it’s probably almost a 99% chance I would miscarry.  I don’t want to leave that as an option.  I can’t move on and try to accept my life if that’s still a possibility to miscarry again.  The only reason I can accept never getting pregnant again as ‘ok’ is because it brings the benefit of never miscarrying again.

So I just want a hysterectomy.  I feel like that will give me closure.  I will know with certainty that I can never get pregnant again nor can I miscarry again.  We are already walking the journey of surrogacy.  I just feel like I will be able to heal better mentally and emotionally.  I wouldn’t have to have my ovaries removed, so there wouldn’t be the hormonal effects.

So, when I even broach the topic of preventing pregnancy with my OB, she said would not even consent to tying my tubes yet.  That kind of blew me away.  I know that a hysterectomy is a drastic move, but she won’t even consent to tying my tubes?  She reminded me that I only have one child (um, thanks, like I don’t think about this 2,000 times a day) and I’m still ‘young’.  Ok, I’m getting extremely close to advanced maternal age, so I hardly put myself in the category of young.

So when do I get some choice over what happens in my body?  The really f’ed up thing is that my husband could go into a clinic and schedule a vasectomy tomorrow with great ease.  And I could choose to have multiple surgeries on my uterus if I wanted to remove scar tissue, but I’m not allowed to have surgery to remove it?  Or to make a step in the direction of never getting pregnant again?  I don’t want birth control or an IUD, I hate the hormones and weight gain and I just want to start letting my body heal and move into a new chapter.

I know, most women who have to have a hysterectomy didn’t want one and they had no choice in the matter, so I’m a very odd duck.  Are there lots of people out there who wanted hysterectomies and then regretted them horribly later?  Were they removing a very broken uterus or a functioning one?  Anyone with thoughts on this to help me out?   I don’t know what my next move on this should be- I guess a consult with a different OB/surgeon will have to be next.  And it’s not like I want to do this tomorrow as a knee-jerk reaction or because I’m depressed or not grieving well or whatever.  But I feel like waiting a year or so should be more than enough to say this is not just a quick, bad decision and that at the very least my OB should tie my tubes even if she won’t remove the scarred coffin inside my abdomen.

No more decisions to make

Decisions that sometimes seem agonizing in the moment become even more so when they are taken away.

I had been torturing myself trying to figure out if we should try a FET, when we should try a FET, if we should transfer one or two, etc.

Well, that decision was taken away from me this morning.

I had a hysteroscopy to look at my uterus and I have developed significant adhesions/scar tissue (Asherman’s Syndrome).   My RE said he could attempt to operate and ‘fix my uterus up a bit’, but that given my history it would be against his better judgment and he’s ‘happy for me’ that we are attempting surrogacy.

Just like that, I’m done.  I’ll never get pregnant again.  I’ll never even have the potential to carry a baby to term.  I won’t get the chance to beat this RPL.  And worse yet, it’s 100% the cause of MY bad decision I made in the hours after I found out my sweet Abby was dead.  I didn’t think I could bear to be induced, so I chose the D&C that did this to me.  The OB said she was using ultrasound and would be extremely cautious given my history.  Guess that didn’t help.

At least when my miscarriages happened, I never felt like they were (really) my fault.  I knew I had done everything I knew how at the time to be taking care of my baby.  And now I’m hit in the gut with this diagnosis and it’s 100% my fault.  I don’t even know what more to say.  I guess that’s what happens when you ask ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’.   It just gets worse.