Every infertile or RPL woman has to go through the pain of being surrounded by pregnant women. Sometimes it’s close friends, sometimes family members, and other times it’s just those random women you run into when you least expect it.
I’m fortunate that I have very few family members in general and the ones who are childbearing age I can just avoid when I’m not on Facebook. I don’t have that sister or sister-in-law being pregnant in my face and expecting me to throw her baby showers to worry about, which I imagine is particularly difficult.
But I have several friends right now who are pregnant- 3 in particular that I care about still having a relationship with. They have all told me via text or email, thankfully not in person. But now I’m struck with wondering what to do to keep that friendship going.
I don’t want to be around pregnant women. At all. I can’t trust myself or my emotions- half the time I see them and feel this scary, intense hatred (usually strangers) and the other half of the time I just bust into tears and am reminded how much I hate my life and stupid body. When I take Sweetie places that I know we’ll be seeing pregnant women, I totally focus on her. I try to pretend that Sweetie and I are the only people in the room. That’s not really conducive to going out for coffee with a pregnant friend or having her over for a playdate.
It’s hard because I still love these 3 women as people. I don’t wish them bad things. I know that there wasn’t some grand lottery where their babies get to live whereas mine get to die. I do wish sometimes that they could understand better what I have been through- I don’t get how in my entire pool of mommy friends that I only know of two who have had miscarriages before going on to have 2 and three kids (oh and the one who always makes a big deal about her chemical pregnancy before she had back-to-back-to-back children one each 12 months- um, don’t think you get it at all).
So I care, but I don’t want to look at them. I don’t want to attend their baby showers or hear about their perfect OB appointments or be their shoulder to cry on about weight gain or being tired because of pregnancy.
I can’t stand it when I mentally compare myself to them sometimes- Are they a better mom than I am? Do they deserve this more than I do? Why do they get to have 2, 3, 4 healthy babies AND a living mother who is their best friend AND nothing else bad that happens? Why doesn’t any of this get spread around?
I look at their children and wonder- why do they deserve to have siblings and my Sweetie doesn’t? Are they going to be more well-rounded than my Sweetie because they grow up with other siblings close in age?
I know, there’s no point in comparing or trying to understand. But it really does impact relationships and I can’t imagine that ignoring that helps.
So I’m really confused as to how I’m supposed to be a friend anymore. As if I didn’t need any more ways to feel bad, I feel bad because I don’t even consider myself a good friend anymore. My mom always said that to have good friends you have to be a good friend. I have felt so alone and surrounded by ‘bad’ friends because people don’t want to hear about my grief or losses. But then I look in the mirror and know that I don’t want to hear about their pregnancies or happy family building escapades so I guess it goes both ways.
So what do I do? What do you do if you’ve faced this? Do I just tell these friends that I care about them but I don’t want to physically see them until after they have their babies? I don’t see how that’s going to work well, because who knows how I’ll feel about their newborns (although, pregnant women seem far more difficult for me to see than babies- but baby girls are still awfully hard). Do I try to change our relationship to a phone one? But then it’s not really fair to ask them to never mention pregnancy because I have found that often pregnant women end up feeling like their lives are consumed with the pregnancy and that’s all they can talk and think about. Or is it fair to ask that? Will any of this get better if my surrogate gets pregnant soon and I know I have a baby coming half a year or so after theirs is born?
I just feel like I’m destined to have no friends because I cannot be a good friend. Just another thing Recurrent Pregnancy Loss has stolen from my life and another thing to feel like a giant jerk about.