It makes me sick

My husband, Sweetie and I went out for brunch and some shopping today. I guess Sunday morning jaunts like this are another advantage of not having Sunday morning church.

I didn’t love my brunch entree, but it was nice to not have to cook for Sweetie (who has become increasingly picky, picky, picky about the food I put in front of her!).  I also didn’t love that this whole outing turned out to be a minefield day for me.

Pregnant moms with 3-4 kids in the restaurant, pregnant cashier, mom with 2(ish) month old twins. Everywhere I looked they were jumping out at me and my stomach just rolls.  I feel like I can’t look anywhere so I just focus on the floor and realize that I don’t even look people in the eye anymore.

Then there’s walking in the department store.

Past the maternity section… My stomach sinks and tightens more.  Not that I fit those anyway when I was pregnant.  But I’m still picturing what my 30 week bump should look like right now.  I tell myself to stop it and try to walk faster and will my husband to keep up.

Past the newborn clothing that I should be needing next month… The lump in my throat grows and I try to swallow it down but fail.  I try to convince myself that I was having another girl and I wouldn’t have ‘needed’ to buy any of those precious, teeny-tiny outfits since I already have them from Sweetie.  It doesn’t work well.  Walk faster.

Finally on into the toddler section to buy some fall outfits for Sweetie. I’m pawing through the shelves looking at some mix and match shirts and leggings. My husband lets Sweetie out of the stroller (why in the heck, I don’t know!) and she runs up and pulls two shirts off the bottom shelf and says ‘want this-a one’ and ‘kitty’. I see that the one shirt did have a cat on it and then I look at the other shirt and lose it.

Tears and a giant sob.

It said ‘World’s Best Big Sister’.

And then the contents of my stomach jump out and I throw up right there on the floor.

I bolted. Tears streaming down my face and wiping my mouth as I ran to the car. I left my poor husband with a half full cart of clothes and a mess to report to the sales clerk.

I never throw up. I have a cast iron stomach. Seven pregnancies and I never once threw up no matter how much nausea I had.

Yet today I lost my brunch today when it smacked me in the face how much this cruel world has taken from us. What was taken from my Sweetie, who should be a big sister in less than 2 months.  She could have been a big sister three times over by now, but nope.

It literally makes me sick.

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Navigating the minefield

I don’t know what it’s actually like to be in a country with physical minefields.  I feel sad for the children and soldiers and innocent people who have been harmed by them.  But I think it’s the best metaphor I know for living my life now- I’m in an emotional minefield.  Every day I wake up not knowing what will cause me to explode that day and walk away feeling battered and torn to pieces.

BAM- take a look at Facebook and a friend has a picture of her child in a ‘big brother’ t-shirt.  She had told me that they didn’t want any more kids, one was good.  This was an ‘oops and he’s due exactly one month after my baby #6 that I just lost.  Yep, and I emotionally limp away after moving her out of my news feed for the next 6+ months.  That’s not even taking into account the friends I have who I know are trying (or I assume half of them are pregnant by now).

BAM- it hits me that I should be hitting viability next week.  Every date has the potential to be hurtful-  I have had 7 pregnancies and thus 7 due dates, 6 of which are painful as hell to think about.  Then there’s the date that I actually lost my last baby- I count the weeks, every Sunday thinking that it’s been another week since I last had her under my heart.

BAM- I see women with bellies exactly the stage that I would be at.  I wasn’t really showing yet, just a little swelling of my belly.  But they are walking along holding the hands of a child younger than or the same age as my Sweetie and I’m just blown away that they will have the newborn and 2 year old that I should have had.

And I don’t know what to do to protect myself.  I took Sweetie to the zoo today and I prepared myself for seeing pregnant women and newborns.  But I was not expecting to go into the dolphin show and hear that three of their female dolphins are expecting in the next three months!   WTF?  BAM- all these freaking dolphins can get and stay pregnant and are delivering in the timeline I would be.  Argh, I shouldn’t start tearing up in the stupid dolphin show.  Good thing Sweetie wasn’t interested because they started talking pregnant dolphins and we bolted before I was all out crying.

I’m ready for someplace safe.  I need more places that are safe.  I’m so battered and bruised already that I can’t take many more explosions.