Surrogacy battles: Part 4 (what others think)

So, this Sunday was better than last Sunday.

Although, I guess that’s easy when you just stay at home and play with your toddler and lots of water outside.   Life is just easier without happy pregnant women in your face at every turn.  It’s easier if I just focus on my one child and try to forget about the six that aren’t here with me.  And it’s physically impossible to toss your cookies in public if you never go out in public.  I’m voting for several more months of hermit-hood.


I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me what other people think when they hear you are having/trying to have a baby via a surrogate.  There are so many misconceptions out there and I just hate to think that the only possible route for me to have a child anymore is viewed in a negative light.

I’ve told several more people that we are moving to surrogacy to try to have another child.  I’ve been pleasantly surprised that most responses have been positive.  One friend offered to take Sweetie anytime we need to go to surrogacy appointments.  Another friend said it’s awesome we are doing this and she hopes it works easily for us because we ‘deserve’ it.

Then you get the strange responses that you aren’t really expecting.  A friend asked if we were open to having a surrogate who is a different race than us.  I must have had a strange look on my face as she continued to talk about it until I realized she thought we were adopting a baby who was already due and she wondered if we would be open to a “black baby or brown baby”! (and really, I wouldn’t care, but biology is a giant reason many choose surrogacy over adoption)  I really don’t mind the questions and we had a good discussion about adoption vs. surrogacy.  I really don’t mind asking questions about it- I’d rather be able to educate people than have them not ask or assume incorrectly.

Then there was my last friend (who has three children) who said ‘Meh, I wouldn’t be able to ever trust a surrogate.  There are too many crazies out there.’  Turns out that this friend worked with someone a few years ago who was apparently ‘crazy’ and acting as a gestational carrier.  So much of her opinion was based on this person (who may or may not have been a good surrogate).  I explained that there are lots of background checks, psych exams, clinic and agency requirements, etc. to screen out any possible bad candidates.  But she wouldn’t hear it.  I finally left it alone and just said this was my only option, so I wasn’t going to put up barriers where they don’t need to be.  I don’t want to have to trust a surrogate to carry my baby, but we all do things we don’t want to do sometimes, especially when you don’t have a choice.  I have had enough challenges in my journey.

Then there are the people who we are NOT telling about surrogacy.  My husband doesn’t want to tell his family.  At all.  Until we have a baby in our arms.  I’m pretty blown away (and at the moment pretty pissed off about his reasoning on this) but I figure it’s his family, his choice.  He says that his mother, in particular, has been so let down by our other losses (even though she only ever heard about 2 of them- our first loss and Abby, because we were so far we figured there was no way it wouldn’t work) that she just can’t handle it.  This makes me feel like shit on so many levels-  like jeez, I’m such a horrible daughter-in-law to have a killer uterus that we shouldn’t even talk about any more potential grandchildren.

So, on the more challenging side of things, we are traveling to physically meet with our agency this next week.  Both my husband and I are pissed off with them at the moment and we are really hoping that a personal meeting will get some more communication and hopefully results.  I keep trying to think what we should have done better/differently in choosing an agency and I’m drawing a blank.  I checked other Intended Parents’ references, read all the reviews and word-of-mouth we could find, we talked to them several times, we closely reviewed the contract we signed with them.  Everyone said that you don’t need to be geographically close to an agency, you can use anyone, but I’m wondering now if that might be making this harder.  If it hadn’t been a major financial investment in signing with this agency (many agencies ask for a large portion of their fee- 50%-100% upfront), we would just cut our losses and find a different agency, but I think we need to wait a bit more before we can do that.







The magical two year gap

As I was growing up, I wanted to have 6 children.  Yep, crazy, I know.  My mom told me she had wanted a large family (she only had three children), but both she and my dad came from families with 7 children.  I loved (and still love to this day) watching the close relationship that my aunts and uncles have.  I loved having so many aunts and uncles and cousins.  I always pictured my children being 2 years apart, that just seemed like the ‘perfect’ gap between them.  Not so close so that you have two baby babies at the same time, but not so far apart that you have to feel like you’re starting all over again.

Losing my little girl in May also represented losing some of that ‘perfection’ I had set up in my mind.  Her due date was one month after my Sweetie’s birthday, so they would have been almost exactly 2 years apart.  I had hoped and expected that I could re-use things because they would have been in the same sizes for the same seasons.  It just seemed so right.  My 4th miscarriage baby would have come when my Sweetie was 15 months old (which did feel kind of soon) and my 5th miscarriage baby would have come at Sweetie’s 18 month mark (which also seemed really good to me- that baby should be here in 2 weeks).  But I really thought that there was no way I would lose my 6th baby when it was just ‘perfect’ on the timing front.

I remember talking with my OB after Sweetie was born and she asked what we were going to do about birth control and family planning.  I should have known then that there was no point in trying to plan, nothing would happen the way I wanted it to anyway.  Of course, I never went on any birth control and almost 2 years later I’m still no closer to having that second baby.  I’m so jealous of the people who get to ‘plan’ their families.  I want my turn to plan and have it work according to plan instead of grieving yet another dead baby.  Now I’ll be lucky if my Sweetie ever gets a sibling, let alone 5 more like I had hoped for as a child.  I no longer want 6 children, but I’d still really love 3 or 4.  It just makes me want to cry.  In fact, I think I’ll head off to bed and do that now.  ‘Happy’ 4th of July.