So my husband and I are not on the best of terms right now, but we’re trying. Trying to communicate, trying to pretend that we aren’t as bad off as we probably are. Anyway, we started having another discussion about this (potential) upcoming FET.
His opinions in a nutshell:
Why not go for it? MMB: Let me list a few (hundred) reasons. Or, maybe not even a few hundred- let’s just list 6 failed pregnancies out of 7. When you have shitty odds, you don’t exactly expect lightening to strike you again (in a good way). He knows what a toll this has taken on my body, on my mental state, on our relationship, on my ability to be a good mother for our daughter, I really just don’t get how he can even ask this.
It seems stupid to sit around and wait for a surrogate candidate to be identified when you ‘know’ you can get pregnant. MMB: Um, sure, I can get pregnant, but how does that equate to a take-home-baby when it comes down to my uterus? And what if I don’t get pregnant this time? Lots of women have failed transfers. I’ve had two ‘successful’ transfers take, what if this is my 1 in 3 that doesn’t work? There’s a new way for me to have a failed outcome that I’d rather not experience.
At least it will give you something to do in the meantime (while waiting for a surrogate). MMB: Hmm, as if I don’t have anything else to do like take care of our toddler and try to make it through each day without imploding or exploding or getting arrested for assaulting some poor random pregnant woman who triggers me.
We should definitely transfer 2 embryos because that increases our odds and we’ll save a few thousand dollars on not doing another FET if this one doesn’t work. MMB: Yes, because we don’t really want twins it makes sense to transfer two. And my body does such a bang-up job with carrying ONE baby, I should tempt it again with attempting to carry TWO? We transferred two embryos last time (our first transfer and miscarriage #5 was a Single Embryo Transfer) and I was pregnant with two sacs but only one kept growing.
At least you’ll be trying again. I would think that would be healing for you. MMB: Who knows? Right now it just seems to be giving me more anxiety. But seriously, I think I’m past the point of thinking there’s anything really healing in all of this.
Whats the worst that can happen? MMB: Are you kidding me? I guess he thinks that the worst has already happened to us so somehow it won’t happen again? If that’s the case, I hope against hope that we’ve been through the worst and it’s not going to happen again. But I can no longer even pretend that I believe that this is true. I tried to think that after we had lost 5 babies and I was in the second trimester with Abby, that the worst was over and we were in the clear. Then we lost our Abby and she was scraped out of me on Mother’s Day. I don’t want that rug pulled out from under me (yet again). Maybe I’m just far too jaded by my experience (and I’ve heard other people’s horrible stories of loss) that I can graphically imagine other horrible outcomes. I mean, Mother’s Day has effectively been ruined for me, but I’m sure there’s some other holiday that can also be ruined. I could make it to 23 weeks this time and then lose the baby just before viability. I could be on bedrest for weeks and not able to care for Sweetie, and then still lose the baby(ies). I could carry the baby(ies) to term and then still lose them. Hell- I could get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy and then somehow my Sweetie gets sick or worse (oh my goodness, I feel like I shouldn’t even type that even though every day I have major anxiety that something bad will happen to her). Or maybe I’ll have another loss and this time it really will drive me over the edge and I’ll either be dead or committed to a mental hospital. Yes, I really shouldn’t play the ‘what’s the worst that can happen game’. Can you blame me? Why does my husband insist on playing?
Ok, I’m sorry, I have to stop and say that I’m really not saying all these things to my husband in the way I stated above. Even when we’re arguing, we both try to be respectful and non-snarky. I just REALLY have to come vent here on my blog because I don’t have any other safe place to vent. My husband is a wonderful man and he’s doing the best he can. That said, he does see things in a very black and white manner and he doesn’t have (any) of the need to analyze things the way I do. So it leaves me feeling very unheard on most discussions especially when he thinks it’s a ‘no-brainer’.
I guess maybe I just need him to say that it’s scary as hell to try this again, instead of just trying to wrap this into a neat little ‘of course we should try again’ package.