More waiting and hard decisions

So I had blood drawn today to see where the heck my period is.  Progesterone is low, so I haven’t ovulated yet and I’m just sitting in limbo.  At least my HCG=0 (three weeks ago it was 3, so at least it’s gone now).  Starting a course of Provera tonight (assuming the RN gets the prescription called in!) so I can hopefully get the show on the road.  She was nice and warned me that it may be a heavy, painful period.   I just had to shake my head because ANY period after losing a baby in the second trimester is going to be painful, physically and emotionally.

So what’s next for us?  I really wish I knew the answer.

OPTION 1:  FROZEN TRANSFER TO ME 

I have several PGS normal embryos on ice, so that’s an option I guess.  We had a monstrous load of bloodwork done with Expert #3 in NY, so I’m waiting to hear what he thinks about all that.  I don’t want to attempt this again in my own body unless I’m trying SOMETHING/ANYTHING different and there’s some reason to do so.  I’ve already been on the progesterone, aspirin, dexamethasone, intralipids, etc. route and that obviously hasn’t helped. I’m not going to do the exact same thing again and expect a different result.  I’m insane enough without doing that to myself again.

My RE, Dr. D., is SO incredibly conservative, I really can’t get him to order some of the more extreme things that people are trying these days to treat Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.  On the one hand, I can see his point- there aren’t good, published studies that prove them safe and beneficial.  But on the other hand, I don’t understand how doctors can look at RPL patients and just say ‘sorry, we don’t understand why your babies all died and we won’t try anything outside-the-box to help’.

At least Dr. B. is willing to look into some of the possible immunological causes, even if I don’t know if I want to try those therapies.  I have a feeling he’s going to come back and suggest Neupogen (filgrastim) and IVIG infusions.  I am not thrilled about doing the IVIG, but I’m not opposed to it.  I think it’s expensive and inconvenient, but I’m open to trying it.  I don’t know if I want to take Neupogen while I’m in the early days of pregnancy.  It scares me to take something that has not been studied at all really in pregnant patients.  It’s funny to talk about drugs that are ‘safe’ for pregnancy because I know none of them really are proven safe.  During my pregnancies, I’ve always tried to be very cautious and not take any medicine period, it just wasn’t worth it to me.  But to take a medicine to increase my WBC (neutrophil) counts with no knowledge of what they may do down the line to a growing fetus is just downright scary.  If my child someday develops leukemia or some illness like that, I know I would blame myself taking Neupogen during pregnancy.  But I blame myself now for losing my precious girl at 16 weeks, so is that any different?

OPTION #2: SURROGACY

We have put a deposit in with a surrogacy agency, Agency S.  My embryos seem to be good (we got 5 normal blasts out of 6 the last IVF cycle and 2 normals out of 6 the first cycle), so that doesn’t seem to be our biggest problem.  At least 3 of my 6 miscarriages have been chromosomally normal, so something is wrong with my body and pregnancy.  Of course, I want to carry my baby myself, but if my baby will do better in a Gestational Surrogate’s body, we are not opposed to that.  I do think there is such a stigma surrounding surrogacy, and that makes me nervous.  I really don’t need people making negative comments about it (or I’ll lose it and end up in jail and that wouldn’t be good!)  or lumping us in the camp of people who use carriers because they just don’t want to get fat from pregnancy.  On the other hand, I don’t give a flying leap what anyone else thinks about how we grow our family.

And our agency which seemed great on the front end has been nothing but disappointing this last month.  They talk so big about communication and they have not bothered communicating with us at all.  Their owner has spent more time on vacation than in the office and she doesn’t respond to emails when she is in the office.  When you are investing SO MUCH MONEY with them it is frustrating beyond all reason, but they really have the power until you are matched with a surrogate, so you have to sit back and twiddle your thumbs hoping you don’t piss them off.  In our initial contact with them, they acted like they had surrogates waiting to be matched, now I wonder if that’s true at all.  Other agencies were honest and said they had a 4-6 month waiting period, we were hoping things would move quicker with the agency we selected because that’s what they indicated.  I did check references and the Intended Parents we talked with were happy about them.

So we are in limbo with surrogacy.  We passed the initial hoops you have to jump through.  Hopefully something moves along on that front because already the waiting is driving me crazy.  It’s hard to give up so much control.  It sucks to have to give up so much control when it’s so easy for so many people to just get their baby.