I hate it when someone tells me how strong I am. Yes, I’ve made it through 6 miscarriages and I’m still standing (barely, at the moment). But please don’t tell me this makes me strong.
I didn’t have a choice in any of this, every day I wish this were not my life, that this didn’t happen to me. I am only doing what any other person would do given the same sh***y circumstances. I’m not strong, every morning I just want to quit. In fact, if I didn’t have one daughter who depends on me, I would have quit.
In fact, I think I’m the opposite of strong. Recurrent Pregnancy Loss has broken me. I’ve become a person that I don’t like when I look in the mirror. It’s made me so angry and mean and bitter. I am not happy for friends when they so easily get pregnant and their bodies don’t betray them. I want to punch every pregnant woman that I see in the grocery store (or mall, or park- lets face it they are fricken EVERYWHERE). I am scared to death of getting pregnant again. No, take that back. I’m not scared to get pregnant again- I do that pretty well. I’m scared to death of losing another baby. I have anxiety attacks now thinking I’m going to lose my living daughter. I’m not strong enough to handle this again, so I just won’t try. I can’t.
So I’m not strong. I’m a quitter. A baby loser. A failure. So many things other than strong.