Ready to get away

Tomorrow will mark 6 weeks since I last heard my little girl’s heartbeat on my doppler.  Gosh, how has so much time gone by?  It literally feels like yesterday.  And sometimes it feels like it was years ago, but it’s still very painful.

Today I texted with a friend and she asked the infamous ‘how are you doing?’ question.  I’m always honest, I just cannot sugar-coat my response anymore.  I’m struggling.  I’m depressed, I’m anxious about things I was never anxious about before, I feel so alone and angry and bitter.  I hate this person I’ve become.

I’m packing up for a small vacation.  I’m hoping to really get away from some of my darkest feelings, but I don’t know.  When we planned this trip we made plans expecting me to be 22 weeks pregnant.  And now I’m nothing.  My husband had been so worried about me carrying a suitcase or pack n play, but now it just doesn’t matter.

Time to get away.