What a week.
I had a nice vacation with my Sweetie. I also remembered that traveling with a toddler is not very predictable, so I obviously did not get a chance to update over here.
We finally heard that our agency has a surrogate candidate for us to talk to. Hopefully we can get that scheduled ASAP (I would have done it today if possible! Yes, I’m just slightly anxious and eager to keep the ball rolling). Even a bigger hope is that she will like us. I can’t even devote enough time here to the anxiety I have about talking to a surrogate. It’s like internet dating on steroids. I may have a slightly skewed vision of the current industry of surrogacy, but it seems to me that there are many, many Intended Parents (IP) to every Gestational Surrogate (GS) out there. We are definitely not the ones in demand, so I feel very helpless in this all. I guess I don’t really know how a surrogate chooses who to carry for, and it is just beyond my capability to put myself in her shoes (given my history of being a failure at pregnancy).
Provera started working, finally. So, if we want to, the clock is ticking on me deciding about doing a FET. I say ‘me’ because my dear husband thinks this is just a non-question. Of course we should try again in my body that has killed multiple normal babies. Yep, makes total sense. (end sarcasm) Yes, we fortunately have a handful of embryos to work with, but by no means do we have unlimited options. I refuse to do another complete IVF retrieval cycle, so once our frozen embabies are gone, we are done.
So I need fingers crossed that we make some progress. Any progress. Towards a healthy, living baby at the end of 9 months.
I wasn’t sure what to expect being gone on vacation. I tried not to have high expectations (because we all know where those get us especially once we’ve suffered from recurrent miscarriage), but I think I did have some hopes of what would happen. Hope that I could just let go and enjoy myself. Hopes that I could reconnect with nature a bit and heal a little. Hopes that my husband and I would have some time to just be ‘us’ again. Sadly, I feel let down on all of these.
I’m not sure why I hoped to enjoy anything… I just feel like a zombie. Everything is just happening to me and I’m in a daze watching things go by. So I’m in a lovely tropical foreign country and I just sit there, wishing my life were different. I can’t enjoy things, it’s just happening to me. I feel sick when I think about this- how many people wouldn’t love to go on a vacation like I did. But it’s not what’s important to me, so I have a terribly hard time even enjoying it a little bit. I would give up all vacations for the rest of my life to just be 23 weeks pregnant again. This must be the ‘bargaining’ part of grief, right?
I didn’t need a vacation, I needed a vacation from being me. From having all these crazy thoughts running through my head. From waking each morning and being reminded that I’m no longer going to have a baby in a few months.
So when are things going to start having a more positive light? I’d take a glimmer, a speck, anything…. I have considered starting Zoloft or something like my OB has recommended. I have been on antidepressants in the past and they have never helped (I always struggled with seasonal depression). My experience with being on antidepressants is very similar to how I feel already- dazed, very numb and neither high nor low. Why go on medication to feel about the same as I do already? But I know this isn’t sustainable- I need things to feel just a bit better. I need a little light at the end of this endless tunnel. I hoped vacation would give me that, but it unfortunately didn’t.
On the husband front, whew, that’s another post. He and I are struggling so badly, I had hoped that vacation time away from our daughter would give us the opportunity to talk some more and reconnect a bit. We made it through 5 miscarriages and I thought we were going to be one of those couples that were strengthened by infertility/loss. I guess our past experiences haven’t really helped us as much as I thought after this last loss. Definitely a topic for another post.