Silence of the Friends

Where do all the friends go when you have a major loss?  Have yours stuck by your side or do you feel more alone than ever?

I (thought I) had a great core group of friends who all knew I suffered from RPL, we were all first time moms with one child each about the same ages.  They were all excited when I told them at 12 weeks that I was pregnant, because they knew I had been through so much to get there.  Two of them were trying to get pregnant at the time (I was helping one of them with her questions about infertility as she wasn’t ovulating), one has an IUD (doesn’t want another baby yet), and the last one thinks she’s too old (has one tube and pretty bad pre-eclampsia with her only child).

I haven’t heard from any of them in weeks.  I texted them on that horrible Mother’s Day in a shock, because I was sitting there alone, had already texted my husband and just didn’t know what else to do.  Since that day, I have gotten a smattering of texts, two FB private messages, and one of them came over once for a playdate.  In 8 weeks.

On the one hand, I don’t blame them in the least.  I don’t want to be around myself- I’m depressed, angry, cry at random things at random times, etc.  I try to keep it in check when I’m in public, but I’m sure I’m not coming across as perky or over-the-top fun right now.  I know people don’t know what to say- most people don’t want to say the ‘wrong’ thing (or sound like an insensitive jerk) for fear of making it worse.  And the two who are trying to get pregnant, I kind of get that, too.  Honestly, I don’t know if I could take watching a swelling little bump on either of them right now (granted, I have no idea if either or both are pregnant yet).

On the other hand, I feel so dropped by my friends and alone in the world that it’s not even funny.  Aren’t your good friends the one who don’t care if you are crying at random times about your lost baby?  Aren’t they the ones who are supposed to ask how you are and if you respond with a lie that you’re ‘ok’ that they push for a real answer?  Aren’t they the ones who come over anyway when you’re sitting by yourself or make plans they know they can include you in?

I told at least 3 of the 4 via text or FB that I felt much safer with home playdates- I hate going to public places where I don’t know how many pregnant women I’ll see and I really hate the random trigger that makes me cry in public.  So I’m totally ok when they go to the public kids play gym and don’t invite Sweetie and me.  Then why do I see on Facebook that they all met at someone’s house for a playdate in the backyard and never invited us?   Ouch.  My husband says I should just be the social coordinator and invite them, but I feel like I have a majorly hard time reaching out right now- I just feel so freaked about rejection and so overwhelmed at trying to make plans for a group, that I just don’t feel like I can.  One more reason to shut down Facebook so I don’t have to see all my old friends having a fun summer without us.

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9 thoughts on “Silence of the Friends

  1. I hate that you’re having to feel this loneliness and isolation on top of everything else. I don’t have many close girlfriends myself, but I think the best thing to do would just be to tell the ones you’re closest to how you honestly feel. Tell them you feel alone and that you need support. I think sometimes people don’t know how much space to give someone who is grieving. They may not be inviting you to things because they don’t want you to think they’re just acting as though nothing ever happened. I think having some one-on-one talks with some of these women and just telling them honestly that you still want to be a part of things, that you need them to lean on right now, will give them the go ahead to rally around you. You sound like a very kind and caring person, and you deserve to have a loving support network.

    • Thank you Annie for your kind words. I know it would be easier 1:1 with them, but I just feel paralyzed in approaching anyone right now. I don’t get why it’s feeling this way, but I know time is just making it worse.

  2. Oh, yes. So much this. After my first loss, I blamed it on living so far away from family, but literally NO ONE visited me. We moved “home” several months later. After my second loss, my parents came with me to the hospital for my D&C, and then disappeared for weeks. By my third loss, I kind of expected the isolation and even welcomed it a little. I’ve made a point to check in with a friend of mine also going through RPL frequently and to let her know I am here for her, because I know how hard it is to reach out when you are hurting. I honestly believe that, until you’ve been through it, you just don’t realize how fucking hard it really is. I’m sorry your friends haven’t been there for you. It’s times like this when blogging has meant the most to me.

    Thinking of you and sending love and hugs.

    • Thanks Jo, I think you’re right about blogging making it better. At least I have a place I can be raw and honest.
      And I am making a list for when I have friends who go through losses- I know I have probably been guilty of the bad response when someone loses someone. For example, making some random ‘let me know if I can help’ response and not really following up even though I should have. Maybe someday if I have any friends this will make me a better friend.

      Hugs back- I’m waiting for your good news!

  3. Im so sorry you feel so alone. While I don’t think that you should have to reach out to your friends for their support during your difficult time- maybe in this case you can let them know that you do need them even if its just a shoulder. Sometimes this is where my online friends mean the most to me- they are there and give me the shoulder and virtual hugs I need when I need them most… but I do know what you mean about feeling isolated about your real life friends. I hope that they realize you need them most right now! Big hugs!

  4. I was trying to comment on your ‘Faith’ post, but for some strange reason, I couldn’t find a comment leaving space there.

    You’re not alone in these feelings. They’re not nice feelings, but they are so real. I wrote a similar post last year http://www.thestarsapart.com/2012/11/questioning-faith.html and it helps me to know that I’m not the only one who questions things. I know a lot of bloggers who turn closer to faith or religion after loss, and for me it has been the opposite.

    Sending you love ❤
    Lisa | http://www.thestarsapart.com

    • Thanks so much, Lisa. Oh my goodness, we practically did write the same post! I really does help to know that others have similar thoughts- like you said, so many other people who have losses seem to get more religious and I’m glad to know that’s not always the expected response.

      I’m very sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful son, Finley.

      Sending you hugs /MMB

  5. You are not alone in these feelings. They are ugly, but so real. I wrote a similar post last year http://www.thestarsapart.com/2012/11/questioning-faith.html and it has definitely helped me to find others who have questioned things. I know that a lot of people turn even more towards faith and religion after loss, and for me that just hasn’t been the case.

    Thanks for sharing a beautiful post with us. And sending lots of love!
    Lisa | http://www.thestarsapart.com

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